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♥Wednesday, August 01, 2007
okay..myy life just suck the hell out of everything! ii felt the worst today..myy love life..myy studies..myy health..myy family..ALL SUCK! ii did sth today which ii dont really want to do but ii had to make thatt decision for good..dont know why..ii felt really lonely nowadays..GOD DAMN LONELY..ii knew ii need someone there for mee..someone who really understands mee without mee telling himm much..thought could be HIMM..talked through the phone not long, disputes come rushing towards uss already..BANG! here comes ourr quarrels..nn myy headache thatt ii had for the whole day got worse than ever..in the end ii decided to end the call before ii start fainting..myy head is already spinning faster and faster..haiz.. =(
also had been feeling real sick thesee few days..enduring myy stupid severe headache for two days already..had been vomitting frequently too..but nothing out..just some freaking liquid..oh gosh..ii wonder how much longer will all thesee end..II WONDER WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEE?!?!?! feel like dying..really feel like dying..started eating panadol again just now..ii tried to control myyself at first cause ii really rely on panadol too much the past few times..like regular meals everyday? haiz..ii dont even eat myy meals regularly..but ii do for panadols..but now ii really cant take itt le..ate quite alot of themm just now..the pain in myy head is just torturing mee away..all the way..
when ii need someone, ii really dont know who ii truly need..everytime ii face problems nn troubles, ii usually dont turn to myy mum..although ii really wish to turn to herr but shees really the best mum to mee nn had been like myy close sister all along, thats why ii dont wish to tell herr myy troubles nn add on to herr burdens..for a woman to be a bread-winner due to herr failure husband, of a big family of 4 failure children is already very tough for herr..driving public bus at early morning or drive till late night, trying to do as much ot as shee can..i'm really sorry to herr..truly sorry..wanted to help by working part-time during studies, shee never agrees..ii can understand why..at times when ii manage to board herr bus to school, ii will always sit far behind herr nn look over herr..watching over myy beloved "sister cum mother" working hard for mee..pinning lots of hope on mee cause herr sons all failed to do so..haiz..
since young, ii kept most of myy stuffs to myselff..when iim sad over break-ups, beaten up by myy eldest brother, stress over studies etc, ii always hide inside the toilet nn cry softly to not let myy family know about itt..nn also all those stupid acts of minee too..luckily ii didnt hurt myselff deep nn the scar is fading already..ii also study myselff without any guidance..not proud of itt or what..just myy that freaking dad never bothers about myy life, at times dont even know what school level am ii at or how old am ii, still got the guts to come scold mee saying, "why uu go ngee ann poly study?! why not singapore poly? myy friend is a professor nn hee says that if uu graduate with a cert from ngee ann, uu go overseas find job, people wont know about urr school! if uu go singapore poly, people see liao then will know that uu are from singapore's polytechnic!" iim like what freaking shit is thiss?! ii dont give a damn about hiss that professor friend..hee should be supportive to mee..instead of listening all those shit hiss stupid friend gives..hee dont even know anything about all these nn hee still got the guts to scold mee?! although myy mum didnt help mee in myy studies too but shees always the one who tells mee, "never do well nvm, as long as uu have tried urr best, its enough already..always rmb iim there for uu..anything just approach mee" this is myy precious mum..nn here hee comes again when wee went to myy cousin's wedding dinner recently..going around several tables telling myy relatives that iim currently studying second year at ngee ann poly..iim like whats there to spread about? so what? nn ended up myy relatives start coming to ask mee this nn that nn keep looking at mee..wth..
mee nn myy dad..seldom talks..not even one word..mum ask mee try to communicate with himm..iive tried..but hee never..care about himm..ask about him..always reply with only one word or only a nod or a shake of head..forget itt then! itt takes two hands to clap, uu know?? haiz..sometimes ask himm to comment on myy outfit to find some stuff to talk about, hee never even open hiss eyes jiu nod hiss head..ii got so fed up that ii just walked away..
hmm..ii guess myy headache got back again cause myy brother beat mee again few days ago..a huge punch on myy head nn iim gone..headache till now..haiz..this is myy life..got to accept itt..beatings since young till now..violence in the house iive seen always since young..if cannot tahan already, just jump off the building..lol..or maybe wait till hee beats mee to death..haha..iim like such a sadist ya? lol..this is how ii react when iim sick nn tired of myy life..nothing seems to work out..shit mee..hadnt been sleeping well these few days..die die..panda eyes very jia lat..this saturday is already myy portfolio's photoshooting..really dont wish to cock up..haiz.. =(f*** off to those who read myy blog and talk bad behind mee..ii can only say "UU ALL JUST DONT UNDERSTAND MEE AT ALL!!! NOT AT ALL!!!"
love is beautiful when things go smoothly
♥RumikoLoves
11:24 PM
RUMIKO
