♥Friday, December 28, 2007

LET GO LET GO LET GO!!!

that will be the only thing on my mind from now onwards!

after HIM msging me all those stuffs,i finally understood what HE really treat me as le.
even worse than friends.
he doesnt even treat me as his friend at all.
just making use of me only.
that msg really hurt me the deepest but let me realise alot.
realise what kind of a person HE is.
hais.
after crying,tears shed,emo periods,think i shall just forget it.
after all ive done for HIM,i find everything so worthless.
suan le.

I SHALL START AFRESH FROM NOW!
27TH DECEMBER 2007!

JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!!
^.^

Hope i can be the cheerful zhihui from the past once again!
the ME 3 years ago!
before i met HIM!

I wanna be HAPPY!
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!

*hopefully i can..hais..cause its god damn hard.......to let go those 3years memories and past
='(

♥RumikoLoves
2:26 AM

♥Sunday, December 23, 2007

today quite happy.
manage to meet HIM.
but of course with our friends along too.
but as usual we didnt talk a word at all.
dont know why also.
hais.
but can meet HIM already very good le.
hehe.
^.^

it seems like we are getting alittle better back again.
hope this wont stop.
really hope.

theres alot movies i wanna watch now nia.
-Alvin and the Chipmunks.
-Warlords.
-30 Days of Night.
-Alien vs Predator.
but no one pei me watch.
plus broke already.
hais.
sian.
sadded.
=(

-lurbbing him

♥RumikoLoves
9:55 PM

worse day.
god damn bad day.
wanted to cry so much today but i just couldnt.
i dont know why.
those tears just wont come out.
all kept deep inside my heart.
really very tong ku!!!
sobs.
='(

this morning received 2 debar letters from school.
one for Project Management(PM) and the other for Object-Oriented Analysis & Design(OOAD).
2 debar letters = expel from school.
the only way left for me is to appeal.
its not the first time i appeal already.
but this time,i doubt of appealing.
feel like giving up everything in my life.
everything just suck.
but i know.
if i appeal,my percentage of approving is 90%.
now is whether do i wanna appeal and move on with my life anot.
or just face death.
wait for my asthma kills me.
hais.
=(

just now when pei-ing my eldest bro,kena beaten up by him again.
over small matters again.
cause i mention about working during my 2 months holiday next year.
february to april.
he doesnt want me to work.
he want me stay at home for those two months and pei him.
know what?
i find it just a waste of time.
like just now.
pei him till in the end what i got was punches and slaps.
i can even taste my own blood in my mouth.
what is this?
is this what i get after being good and nice to him?
taking care of him and nothing good came out?
hais.
this is the reason why i never let my bro know that im working at subway now.
if he knows,hes gonna beat me to death.
even my mum,sec and third bros kept this secret for me.
hais.
i really hate this family!
='(

regarding HIM.
i dont know what to say.
just.
"I LOVE HIM"

these few nights keep crying again.
as usual.
cause of HIM.

i keep thinking of HIM.
then tears just start flowing down my cheeks.
i cant sleep.
so all i can do is to cry myself to sleep.
='(

-lurbbing him

♥RumikoLoves
3:52 AM

♥Saturday, December 22, 2007

recently theres a girl keep being very close with HIM.
they met up almost everyday.
breakfast,dinner,etc.
i really suspect that HE likes her.
cause HE keep asking her out to pei him.
hais.
i know who the girl likes now but im afraid she will like HIM in the future.
cause i heard that the girl fall for guys easily de.
hais.
=(

these few days keep trying to ask HIM out for dinner or sth.
but he keep giving excuses.
hais.
forget it.
i give up asking le.

just cause that girl cant meet HIM out to eat then he pack food home to eat.
does she really matters to HIM so much?
hais.

my buddies keep telling me that HE wont fall for her de.
but what i feel,hear and see are all otherwise!
ask HIM,he dont wanna tell me!
hais.
must HE always torture me this way?!
sobs.
='(

3years of pain.
how much longer can i endure?

few days ago HIS friend msn me "f*** etc".
scare me like hell.
thought i offended him.
just now ask HIS friend then i knew its HIM who uses his friend de msn scold me de.
hais.
HE like one time dont scold or li siao me like will die like that.
hais.

today slack at mos from afternoon to night with my shagua(meiling),yvonne,mei(cindy) and etc.
at night vomited twice in the toilet.
i only ate one mos chicken for today whole day.
thats all.
cause no money.
then in the end the food all throw up.
at the end,my stomach's empty.
hais.
dont know what happen to me.
recently keep vomiting,chest pain,heart pain,skin irritation,nose irritation,eye irritation etc.
doctors all say is link to my asthma.
mum ask me go back hospital but i dont want.
last time 2 weeks is enough le.
everyday put on the mask,breathe in the stupid gas 4 times a day,even midnight.
damn torturing.
especially after taking in the gas,i will tend to be very weak and find it hard to stand up.
dont know why.
hais.
am i dying soon?
will HE rmb me if i were to leave?
will HE ever forget me?
hais.
sobs.
GOD KNOWS I DONT WANNA LEAVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT!
I WANNA STAND BY HIM ALWAYS!
='(

will i really die?
will i die?
i dont wanna die!

when i was young,my asthma doctor say if my asthma dont recover before my pregnancy,i may die of asthma!
i dont want!
i wanna live with my future kids and husband!
i wanna grow old with HIM!
='(

-lurbbing him

♥RumikoLoves
2:47 AM

♥Thursday, December 13, 2007

today's PM paper can only use one word to describe.
'BUANG'
die la.
i dont know how to do nia.
so just wrote alot crap on it.
arghhh!
=(

hmm.
but very qiao.
that guy sat behind me for our paper.
lols.
then heard our fucking teacher dont wanna let him off early even though he finish his paper already.
arghhh!
i also hate that teacher man.
everytime say alot bullshit to me de.
basket.

today after test went batok again.
took bus together with aide(qikai) and his classmates.
keep kena teased by his classmates man.
arghhh.
said what im aide's gf.
-.-
damn dots.
then heard them saying aide everytime talk about me to them.
crap man.
me and aide same class for 2years during secondary school nia.
thats why will close ma.
aiyo.

went to eat kfc with vincent.
bought buddy meal.
damn bloated.
cant finish my meal.
wasted.
hais.

coincidently nic's parents sat beside us.
pressurizing man.
cause his parents keep asking us alot about nic.
dont know how to ans them nia.
hais.

hmm.
after that met nic,alvin and rest.
went to csc play pool.
HE went along too.
again,today he didnt avoid me.
im glad again.
hehe.
but as usual,we didnt talk at all.
NOT AT ALL.
hais.
like dont know each other like that.
also didnt see him use the gift i gave him anymore.
more sadded.
=(

so qiao.
saw yongxing at csc too.
then ronghua they all.
stupid ronghua keep li siao me.
what introduce bf for me.
keep meddling with my hp dont wanna return me.
arghhh.
my music and photos all give him see le la.
basket.
then ask me go out with them at night.
ask me dont go home.
dots nia.
tml last paper leh.
worse still.
they ask me dont mix with nic they all.
ask me go be their 'chai'.
fuck them la.
me and nic buddies for 3years le lo.
basket.

reach home bath,pei my eldest bro then went to kitchen.
found lots of shark fin soup.
WOW!
i see already like in heaven like that.
i keep smiling to myself and jump around alone.
suddenly my sec bro came into kitchen and saw me.
he say me "siao!".
lols!
but im really happy man.
MY GOD DAMN FAVOURITE LEH!
mum left alot for me even though i didnt go back for dinner.
she knows i lurbb that the most.
lurbb mum lots man!
muack!
hehe.
added somemore pepper and i finish them all!
lols!
^.^

this few nights keep giving mum goodnight kiss.
dont know why.
but i just lurbb doing so.
seeing her smile so brightly and so happy after i kiss her really makes me smile too.
at times she had sleepless nights and only my kiss can bring her to sleep.
^.^
afterall i lurbb her the most among this fucking family.
if not for her,i would have long ago moved out le.
ive got place and people to feed me but just that i bu fang xin put my mum at home with my that fucking bro,without me around.
hais.

♥RumikoLoves
12:57 AM

♥Wednesday, December 12, 2007

today didnt see HIM at all.
heard alvin and aryn were with him previously before they meet me.
they went woodlands.
and also heard karen went along too.
her again.
shes always with them.
and i always hear HIM asking for her.
HE likes her?
nic say impossible
cause shes too young for HIM.
but who knows?
when feeling comes,all these doesnt matter anymore.
hais.
worried i am.
this has been troubling me for weeks already.
=(

hmm.
today nothing much.
slept till noon then afternoon go westmall meet my mei(cindy),vincent and andy.
ate my meal at mos. my favourite.
kakiage burger meal.
KAIKIAGE! ICE MILK TEA!
lols.
then slack around.
not long later,alvin,nic and aryn came to join us.

coincidently saw guoming and his friend(yaoteck) at mos too.
then we all went csc play pool.
till night.
lost to guoming twice man.
hes good at pool.

went back to mos slack.
ate butterfly prawns this time.
learnt from my another mei(fengyu) de.
lols.
eat prawns with corn soup.
im starting to like it!
haha.
^.^

bad news of the day.
i didnt really study for my PM paper tml.
lols.
actually is dont know what to study.
all based on our TOR.

luckily that guy whom i mention during my last few posts helped me print a copy of our TOR.
we need to bring it for the test tml.
he just now drive to my block downstairs and passed the TOR to me.
really thanks lots of him.
hes such a great guy.
lols.
im like bullying him ya?
whahaha!
=P

♥RumikoLoves
12:17 AM

♥Tuesday, December 11, 2007

this morning really woke up late nia.
cause ytd night msg someone till 4plus AM then sleep.
and in the end,im late for my common test.
dots.
but luckily i manage to complete the paper on time.
hehe.
but the paper quite hard nia.
i dont think i can pass lo.
hais.
=(

hmm.
after test,went to batok meet nic,joseph,lynette,daryl they all.
slack around and stuff.
then went to watch "The Golden Compass".
quite a nice show ba.
but the ending make me very fed up.
got to catch the part 2 when its out.
dots.
sian.
hmm.
got me,nic,joseph,xiaoben,joey,my mei(cindy),her nuer,alvin and HIM watching.
help alvin and HIM pay for the tickets and in the end i no money to buy my personal necessities already.
hais.
but nvm ba.
for HIM,afterall to me is worth it.
although im going to give up soon.
hais.

today my another mei(fengyu) came down to westmall to look for job.
she called me and i went to mos find her.
pei her quite some time.
cause very long never meet her le.
plus she took initiative to call me when shes at westmall.
afterall among my few meimeis,i adore her the most.
treat her like my own sister.
whoever bullies her,im not gonna let them off.
humphx!
arghhh!

oh ya.
today i think HE also got use the gift i gave him ba.
but think cause im around,so i guess he hid it inside his pocket or pass it to someone else.
anyway im glad once again.
hope he will treasure it ba.
really hope.

走了那么远发现你不在身边
独自走过了什么自己都不了解
未来的蓝图应该有你不该只剩叹息
只是偶尔泪流不停
坚强的理由只是自己骗自己
你眼中的恐惧说什么都多余
付出的一切值不值得永远不会有答案
只有天知道我有多么爱你
一颗心属于一个人在爱情里什么算公平
爱的深也伤的深是不是罪灭了自己
一颗心属于我自己爱情里找不到公平
而当你最后选择了逃避我学会不公平
本来就不公平

在我最后一次，闭上眼睛之前，我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里，舍不得放弃，心里有千言万语还没说给你听
我使尽全力，不想闭上眼睛，只是道别中不能再相遇
不能再陪你，但不要忘记，你曾经代应我你会好好活下去

♥RumikoLoves
1:57 AM

♥Monday, December 10, 2007

saw HIM today again.
at first at mos.
he's with nic.
then at night,at csc.
along with alvin,shihui,chenming and etc.
all playing pool.
HE didnt really avoid me today.
and im glad.

today can say is the happiest day so far for me recently.
sth that really cheered me up.
i saw HIM using the birthday gift i gave HIM.
afterall he didnt sell it or throw it away.
heard he's gonna keep it and not use at all.
but in the end,he still used it.
im really happy!
seeing it on HIM really touches my heart.
afterall he didnt really hate me that much.
^.^

but what is he trying to imply?
by using the present i gave him at last.
that he still accepts me as a friend or ex?
or he just needed it for usage purposes?

i guess everythings too late already.
i really need to let go sooner or later.

today initially nic say wanna pei me study de.
but when i contact him,hes with charcoal already.
so forget it.
i went to mac study alone.
after studying,that is when i went csc.
at first go find weixiang.
damn sian.
he and deli,joshua they all keep playing.
then saw shihui outside pool.
we chatted for quite a long time.
had a nice chat with her.
really glad.
^.^

tml morning is common test le.
on DWA.
damn stress.
although got study today but not much confidence.
think gonna sleep now.
if not,tml will be late for test.

just now when on my way home,suddenly thought of a phrase myself.
quite meaningful i think.
可以和你心爱的人在一起是一件很幸福的事，一但错过，后悔也来不及了
i guess HE should read this ba.
dont wish him to regret if i really leave him this time,once again.
but this phrase also applies to all my friends who have relationship problems.
you all can be together with your steads is already a very good thing.
so dont quarrel or get upset with each other just for small matters.
its really not worth it.
like me.
i wanna let him scold also cannot.
i let him scold,i also dont mind.
but the problem is he doesnt even bother me at all.
hais.
sobs.
='(

♥RumikoLoves
1:29 AM

♥Sunday, December 09, 2007

think i better blog again before wanxin say my blog is dead again.lols.

hmm.life for me now?not much progress.still the same.monday common tests le.i still havent start studying yet.tml must really chiong le.damn stress.but good thing is after tests,holiday again.around 2 to 3 weeks i guess.hmm.but frankly speaking,im afraid i cant move on to next semester.cause this semester,i slack too much already.too much stuffs had happened to me.hais.=(

its been quite some time already.i still dont see my third bro.think this time hes really moving out again.when he coming back,i dont know.call him and scold,all he say is "im busy working."hais.forget it.think ill just treat it as i have lost one elder brother.honestly,im mad at him.he think hes the only one who wanna run away?me too,okay?!but i have no choice.if i leave,nobody's got to take care of this home,my mum and especially my eldest bro.he needs me everyday.got to take care of him.hais.sian.

few days back,im with alvin,nic they all at mos.then heard HE's coming to find them.i really dont know whether should i leave them to keep myself away from HIM or just stay at where am i and hackcare HIM?i really dont know.but in the end,i stayed there.and as i expected,he didnt join us.he saw me and just walk past us without any response.so in the end,they all went up to catch up him and im left all alone there.all these are nonsense.what have i done wrong to make him treat me this way?he need my help,i try my best to complete it.and for his info,i didnt slpt at all,just to complete what he want me to do.did i do wrongly?i contributed so much just for him and in the end what i got in return is more coldness from him.not even a "thank you" from him.im truly hurt.that night,i left mos so that later on when they are back,he can come back to sit there and not other place cause of my presence.i went to 620 below de playground alone.sat there all alone crying.i feel so helpless.after crying,i thought alot.for him,ive already lost lots of opportunites into new relationship.i reject and waited,reject and waited.and this is what i get.will history ever repeat?me waiting for him for 1 year plus last time and in the end i try out with bee and we ended up lasting for more than a year?im scared.truly scared.cause i cant give him up.i really dont dare to go into a new relationship.

btw thanks,joseph and nic.for finding me when im all alone at the playground.although im there alone for going 2 hours,but afterall you all still came.im glad.really.thanks lots!^.^ but of course,im shivering like hell,falling sick soon,staying there for such a long time.

today i saw him again.from far of course.im at mos and hes at the taxi stand.i was with alvin they all again but he didnt come over.so alvin they all went over.then he took cab home and the cab past by me.i felt a stab in my heart and i dont know why.everytime he past by me without interacting with me,like im invisible,i felt a great pain in my heart.my friends keep saying why everytime they see me,i so upset de.i also dont know why.hais.=( i guess its time for me to start afresh once again.try to go into a new relationship and see how it goes?hopefully it will work.hope that i wont have to look back again.to HIM again.

recently keep having contact with this guy.we kinda get along quite well.but i dont know why im scared again.whether how we will move on or how will we work out,i have no idea.and the biggest problem that is troubling me all along is i still havent got over HIM.what should i do?i dont like doing replacement feelings.its heartless.the other guy will be very ke lian.hais.just like bee.last time with bee,first few break ups is i mention de.also cause of HIM.hais.but luckily bee gave me alot chances and we manage to last long.im glad.thanks bee lots.except for the matter that made us broke up at the very end.bee afterall still got to change.if not the next girl will be very unlucky.

this guy is not bad.pleasant looking,kinda nice character etc.but i know him not very long only.plus he is indeed a nice guy.i guess alot of girls will be after him ba.even if i really wanna be with him,also wont have chance de.think i better not think so much and just continue moving on with my single life.

seeing my friends so in love with their steads,im still afterall very envious.

finally.im starting to learn driving.excited i am.hehe.^.^

-lurbbing him

♥RumikoLoves
3:37 AM