♥Wednesday, October 31, 2007

saw him today again..after my work..after i pass THAT present to his brother..but he didnt know i saw him and nor he know that i went to his house and pass THAT present to his brother..i didnt told him about it..he didnt see me also cause i saw his back at beside mos there de metal chairs sitting down with reiner and rest..i jiu immediately turn back and run away with songhwee..so that he wont see me..dont wish to spoil his mood..hais..=(

today more shocking things happen man..lol..as usual..i pon school again today..hais..then went to work instead again..my poly classmates de guys all come subway li siao me nia..lol..or rather,i can say is VISIT me..haha..nice of them..frankly speaking,im glad to see them..kinda brighten up my day..cause they are always the ones who make me laugh in school..=D they ar..in class always talk about subway cookies and sandwiches to me..LOL!

then again,eddy came to visit me at work..this time with songhwee along..but i didnt have the time to entertain them..so sorry to them,ya?cause today not enough staffs and im busy like crazy..i really did overtire myself today..after work,walk where,sit where,also feel like sleeping..hais..=(

before work also as usual..met joseph and rest at mos..sit there talk cock and smoke..smoke 2 cigarettes there..then we went walk walk awhile around westmall..wo jiu start work le..

today the one and only stock came and i bought THAT present already..was very happy..wrapped nicely with a nice paper bag..and know what?cause of buying THAT present,im like so close to the staffs there..they even gave me a 10% discount..LOL!=/ cause they know i working at subway..then li siao me say they come eat,must give discount also..LOL!

after work,i went to his house and pass THAT present to his brother..ask him put in HIS room..i also wrote a small card on it..i really hope that he will like THAT present..and treasure it lots..hais..luckily he wasnt at home..dont wish to let him see me..i knew hes at csc with reiner they all so i dare to go his house pass to his brother..confirm HE wont see me de..

as for why i didnt mention what THAT present is,is cause if other people know what i give him,he wont dare to use it le..so this way,nobody will know is i give him de present..i just hope that he will like it..thats all..

kinda troubled over eddy and songhwee today..hais..songhwee confess to me suddenly..shock me like hell..although eddy didnt but his words in his msgs somehow already hint me in another way..what should i do?sw know that i have someone in mind already and know who isnt..but why he dont really bother and still wanna like me??whats so good about me?hais..then eddy..also cares for me alot..keep asking me to meet up too..for lunch,dinner,send me home with his bike or etc..but i always cant make it..felt sorry..but if not for sw,i also wont know eddy..then sw is like eating vinegar like hell..keep saying eddy got more chance etc etc..hais..he keep thinking too much..i didnt even say anything man..hais..what should i do??????????????????
plus weixiang msgs me everyday too..concern about me alot all the time..at times want me go find him..he didnt confess to me but im scared..what should i do??

im worried..scared and afraid that guys will like me..cause in my heart now,theres only HIM..and no one else..no one can replace HIM in MY HEART..NO ONE!hais..sobs..='(

before going home,i was with songhwee..he want me meet him so i did..we wanted to slack at westmall awhile and i suggested the metal chairs beside mos there and coincidently,charcoal,reiner and rest were there too..im like wth..where got so qiao de?hais..that is where i turn back and run away..then me and sw went to burger king there de metal chairs sit down and slack..smoke one cigarette there again..after that jiu take cab home le..cause raining already..on cab,kacua called me..want me pei him chat..and i did,although im god damn tired..but cause he always find me but im not free..if dont pei him this time,he confirm say me like siao..hais..

oh ya..i did smoke one more cigarette below HIS house just now..so in total,today i smoke 4 cigarettes..lol..=/


-lurbbing him

♥Monday, October 29, 2007

saw him again today..twice..coincident de..first is when i off work then wanna go mos buy ice milk tea,with yuanqi korkor and his friend de company..saw HIM with reiner and rest at mos too..saw girls whom i dont know there too..did i let out any vinegar?lol..dont think so ba..hmm..then saw him again when i go westmall shopnsave buy my shampoo,with chenyang de company this time..

today pon school again..went to work instead again..lol..met joseph and rest at mos..i ate my lunch there before work..share money with joseph to buy a packet of cigarettes..at least i dont need to smoke so much..then smoke one before going off to work..joseph ask me call him when i off work..

during work..halfway..shock to find out aide(qikai) and saychiang at subway..lol..they li siao nia..come in shock me then go off le..never eat subway..never give me face..humphx!LOL..hmm..then saw daniel korkor walk past..i shout at him across subway..lol..my colleagues say me siao..haha..then eddy came..i didnt know he outside subway smoking till he msg me..went out to talk to him awhile and went back to work le..not long later,when i off-ing work,saw yuanqi korkor outside subway waving to me..shock me again..lol..how come today like so many people come find me during my work de?haha..lots of surprises today..=)

songhwee did msg me around noon today..then ask if can find me after my work..weird nia..find me for nothing leh..i tell him i should be going home after work then he say i dont want meet him then nvm..when i reply that ill meet him,he never reply le..i wonder if hes angry..hais..sorry,okay?=(

eddy also did call me around noon today and asked if i can meet him but too bad..im already meeting joseph they all..sorry to eddy too,ya?and also more sorry to him for being unable to meet him after my work..cause he did ask me if i can go down 265 coffeeshop drink kopi with him and his friends but i rejected..cause tml morning still got school,then work..maybe next time ba..hmm.......

after work today,i went cc find joseph they all..played basketball awhile with him,yongxing,chenyang and jiahao..weixiang,andy,ahbee,alson and rest were there sitting down too..come to think of it..weixiang is so dead man..lol..cause he ps me the other day,then ask me how then can get my forgiveness,i say on wed when go bugis,i point what,he buy what for me..LOL!hes really dead!whahaha!=/ but i was just kidding only..i wont so cheapskat de..hehe..=P

after joseph they all went home,me and chenyang went 620 below smoke..there,i smoke one again..so today in total 2..lol..i look so stupid man..counting how many cigarettes i smoke everyday..haha..hmm..then went to westmall buy stuffs and went to posb bank there check my bank balance..and know what?i got my pay already..not much but enough money to buy his THAT present..i was really happy and glad..tml im gonna go buy IT already..im gonna give HIM in advance..and ive already decided how to pass him the present le..

oh ya..today walk past the shop and i was god damn shock to find out that the present i wanna buy for him no more already..damn upset and disappointed i am..i should have reserved it first..didnt know so fast got people buy already..hais..i went in to ask whens the stock coming again..they say not sure but i did left my no with them..and also ask them to reserve one for me..i guess ill just pay for it tml then get IT from them when the stock comes..i really really REALLY hope that he will like THAT present..hais..

today is also the special day that timothy worked every week..lol..work with him at counter throughout today..damn funny..lol..im so jealous of his dimples man!haha..=/ but im sian that magdalene,precy and jacqueline not working anymore..hais..working at subway no fun le..=(

kacua also keep contacting me today nia..keep asking me pei him go out,if not pei him chat..hais..this time he ask me pei him go hospital checkup or sth on next friday..dots..he say nobody pei him..fake de lo..he got so many brothers..plus his gf..then he say what him and his gf going to break soon..more dots..aiyo..

-lurbbing him

♥Sunday, October 28, 2007

today?boring day..stayed at home throughout..being locked at home by my bro..hais..except for going down to coffeeshop and buy dinner for him and me..i hate today..bored..nothing to do..bro almost got mad at me just now..then got to pei him..watch tv and talk..help him do things..entertain him..hais..sian..plus today i stomache whole day nia..it is really killing me lo..arghhh!=( hmm..really feel like going out today..staying at home makes me sick man..with that bro of mine?more sick..hais..=/ this morning wake up jiu got kacua msg ask me out le..then weixiang msg me to keep apologising..cause he ps me like shit ytd..hais..im still thinking whether to forgive him anot..hais..hmm..then afternoon got songhwee and eddy..then now at night,kacua just called me again,ask me pei him chat..dots..i cant even talk on the phone at home cause my bro dont like..hais..more weird today is shihua msg me ask me where am i..LOL..shock me man..haha..=/

worse thing of the day..i miss him badly..miss him like mad..miss him like crazy..hais..see him online but couldnt talk to him..really very nan shou..hais..but too bad..i already promise myself not to bother him anymore..ever since 221007 up till now,i didnt msg him anymore..ever since 231007 up till now,i never msn him anymore..hais..im just totally torturing myself..but i couldnt help it..from everything i heard,i know,i see.......im nothing but just a pester to him..at first i dont know he thinks that way..recently i heard and then found out it is in fact true..but why his actions always tells otherwise?if he really dont like me,find me a pester,then why do all those stuffs for me?WHY WHY WHY?!?!AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hais..sobs..='(

songhwee has been reacting strangely today..keep asking me whether he can take care of me anot..then ask me whether i can take care of him anot..ytd msn,he also put his nick what love zhi hui de..shock me nia..luckily he say is di siao me de..lol..but i scared nia..afraid that he will fall for me..not i bhb or what..but i can feel so..he even asked if he can send me home whenever he can..weird nia..im just closer to him ytd only and he today like that le..he better dont fall for me..cause im not a good girl at all..hais..guys jio me,say me good and stuffs..dajing also say so..but if i really that good,WHY HE DONT WANT ME?!THUS,TREAT ME THIS WAY?!SO COLD!!!LIKE IM NOTHING TO HIM!='(

ytd took one cigarette again..given by ah bee..then today not at all..cause at home cant smoke..hais..ytd night ah bee give me his last stick but i didnt smoke it yet..still in my bag..hais..these few days keep considering whether should i buy a new packet again..ive got the money..but i dont know want anot..inside me is really torturing towards him..and the only thing that i can think of to make me feel alittle better is cigarettes..hais..what should i do?i really love him alot alot,to the extent of me going insane soon le..WO ZHEN DE HEN XIANG TA!!!!!

now everyday im troubled over how to pass him his birthday present..im really afraid..if i really got THAT present for him and if he throw it into the dustbin too,how?i will really go mad leh..its like so ex la..around 100bucks..100 give me,i can buy alot things nia..i really hope for a shopping trip very much but no money..hais..but afterall,he should come first..instead of myself..


-lurbbing him


stupid flu of mine..just wont go..got so fucked up man..keep flowing non-stop..like running tap water like that..arghhh!make me so sick and fed up during work..and my head was like spinning heavily during work today..hais..but manage to endure through..initially dont wanna go to work..cause god damn sick this morning..but come to think of his THAT present,suddenly a force from nowhere came into me and brought me out of bed and to work..now all i can think of,look forward to,is my pay day and his birthday..pay day cause can get money to buy his THAT present..his birthday is cause i can pass him IT..im really useless right?like HES the only thing that i live for like that..LOL..but indeed,hes my driving force in life..thats why i cant live without him..hais..=(

hmm..today first time work with vincent and wenhui..but they night shift..i morning..so only manage to work with them for afew hours..which is the changing shift period..lol..

today after work,went to cc slack with jasmine..we went 104 below chatting..then she want go westmall see some hair treatment thingy so i pei her go..after that she went to her ah ma house and i went to 132 there find weixiang,guangwei and rest..followed them around after that..ended up at csc saw songhwee and eddy and chatted with them for hours..lol..just knew eddy today..fun guy i can say..haha..sociable and friendly too..but i got see him before at 265 coffeeshop last time..long story..anyway eddie is a CLEVER guy too..dont know how he get my hp no de..arghhh!say play what stupid game de..LOL!hmm..hes a nice guy?offered me a bike ride home but i rejected..lol..dont wish to trouble him..instead i took the bus home..then songhwee called..say i ps him..cause he wanna pei me take bus home de but i dont know..songhwee..im sorry,okay?i really dont know..i thought eddy sending you home with his bike then you all go out thon afterwards..hais..sorry..=( but also thanks for the treat..i know you stuff my money back into my bag..thanks lots!will repay you someday de..^_^ btw eddie..thanks for the offer ride home but sorry..i didnt mean to turn you down de..i have my reasons..=)

today very weird nia..suddenly marcelo called me during my work..he hasnt contact me for ages man..like months to years?i knew him when he got my no at lot1 kbox many years back..li siao de..him and his friends come into our room while me and my sisters were singing then ask for my no and then followed by my sisters ones too..LOL..and of course i know hes a gangster back then..from KT..but now,i not sure le..he told me quit le but i dont believe nia..ask him why suddenly call me today,he say he miss me..LOL!i really laugh my ass out man..but he got ask me out to sing someday..i say see first..come to think of it,ever since he got my no till now,i havent go out with him before at all..everytime reject him..LOL..damn pai sei nia..haha..=/

hmm..just now bro scold me over small thingy again..say i stupid,useless and stuffs..hais..really feel like crying but manage to hold back my tears..since young kena said till now..i also have my limits,own feelings and thinking de lo..but he never bothers..hais..sobs..='( i hate my family..i hate my fucking life!




-lurbbing him

♥Saturday, October 27, 2007

i really totally hate my bro man..fuck him all the way!basket!i just ask my mum to cook noodles for me just now cause im having a god damn serious gastric pain..then that bastard shout at me and scold me cause mum is suppose to accompany him but instead i ask her help me cook..hais..mum cook for him jiu alright..spare a few mins just to cook for me a plate of noodles,he scold me like hell..for fuck?he think hes the only child mum has?im not mums daughter at all?hais..i really hate him to the core..ever since young till now..even have the thoughts of killing him while hes asleep..but i know i wont do so..but i really had lots of hatreds towards him..even much more deeper than how much i have towards my dad..he was the one who made mum unable to shower me with too much love even though she wanted very much..just cause he gets jealous easily,mum puts most of her attention on him and naturally neglected me!fuck!he doesnt deserve them at all!not at all!god knows the only one closest to me in my family is only my mum..and when shes being snatched by others,i got real fucked up..when in malaysia at grandparents house too..when im young,whenever she dote on my cousins,i give her attitude and be angry with her..hais..this is what i mean when i dont have any family love..fuck it 'home sweet home'!i put my house no in my hp phone book 'HELL'!

in the past,HE was the one who cheered me up when my bro make me cry..due to his beatings,scoldings etc..at times when i need him,hes there..when i didnt expect him to be there,he will suddenly appear to be there..NOW?hais..im crying like shit now but i couldnt approach him at all..I CANT!I TRULY DEEPLY BADLY NEED HIM NOW BUT HE WONT BE THERE!!!FUCK MYSELF MAN!i really dont wanna continue having this kind of life!FUCK MY LIFE!!!

♥Friday, October 26, 2007

today after school jiu go settle passport stuffs le..kinda rush cause ICA closes at 5 and next sat im going malaysia already..got to get my passport done by next week..then rush down to cine meet joseph,xiaoben and yongxing..ate longjohn then went to newurbanmale buy my havanas..and yup..ko(my ex) is working today..he ar..make me bwg..say stuffs that make me pai sei infront of joseph they all..humphx!=P hmm..was stuck at num for quite some time..lols..cause dont know want buy black or white de havanas..white easy to dirty but match nicer with my clothes..black more durable,not easy to dirty but not as nice as white..lols..so in the end,i bought the white one..lols..maybe getting the black one another day?haha..see first ba..anyway ngeeann student got 20% discount..LOL..=/ today i was quite happy cause finally im getting my havanas..yuppy!hehe..^_^

oh ya..and i saw shuana working at cine de push cart today..haha..so qiao man..lol..but sad to say,yenny(my modelmate) isnt working today..disappointed in not finding her there..shes suppose to work at another push cart too..hmm......

although today quite packed with activities,still....he never slipped out of my mind at all..still there as usual,as always..i keep trying to psycho myself that he doesnt exist in my life anymore..the only thing exist now is the very photo of him in my wallet..thats all..and in fact,its true..today keep thinking how much will i get for my next pay..keep hoping that it will enough to buy his THAT present..and hopefully there are extra money to let me shop at least..hais..wanna buy some stuffs for myself to cheer up..when i have him with me,him there for me,i look into the mirror and see a cheerful,happy self which should be how it should be..but now,without him,i look into the mirror,i cant see myself clearly anymore..only the shag,lonely,bored,depressed and bleeding self..hais..ytd dajing also keep asking me why i look so sian..and frankly speaking,i didnt know i express it out..i just behave the way i am at that moment..

everybodys having their own troubles and problems..hiding all those pain in them..like me,xiaoben and joseph having relationship problems..yongxing having friendship problems..why cant everyone just be happy?why cant everything just go smoothly?why must there always be obstacles?hais..life really suck man..=( EVERYBODY!LETS CHEER UP TOGETHER BA!ESPECIALLY,JOSEPH!XIAOBEN!AND YONGXING!hehe..=)

btw thanks for you all de company today,joseph,xiaoben and yongxing..lets look forward to our next trip to bugis another day ba..hehe..;)

next week also a packed one for me too..thought wed and thurs will be free but in the end,wed kena booked by weixiang..he want me pei him and weikang they all go bugis..then thurs,dajing off..he want me pei him watch movie and eat again like ytd..can tell he did enjoyed himself ytd..i introduce westmall koufu de korean food to him and he likes it..except for the kimchi..he doesnt know how to eat that..he ytd still tell me that he wanna watch movie and eat the same food again next thurs..LOL!funny him..but indeed,im glad that i can make my friends happy..^_^

todays zhengliang(kacua)s birthday and he did ask me pei him and junjie(pongpong) watch movie at cine at night but i couldnt make it..and hes really god damn mad at me..hais..im really sorry to him but i really cant go ma..he is so god damn last minute la..hais..=(

took another one and a half cigarettes today..'stern' one with xiaoben outside cine and another one cig at cc at night,when back from town..dont know why..whenever i smoke,i think of him too..hais..sobs..='(










frankly speaking..i truly miss him lots but ive got to control myself..hais..=(

-lurbbing him


i just cant get him out of my mind..got so god damn fucked up with myself..wherever i go,whatever i do,he just simply appear in my mind all of a sudden..on bus on my way to school,on bus on my way to batok,hanging out with my friends,watching movie,during lessons etc..he just keep appearing,appearing and APPEARING!OH GOSH!AHHH!IM GOING INSANE AGAIN!ARGHHH!hais..sobs..='(

finally today i find out what i can get for his birthday present already..have been troubling over it for so long..even though i say i dont wanna bother about him anymore..but afterall,the present still have to give..if not,i wont feel good either..hmm..i wont mention what i wanna get for him yet..cause not confirm yet..but its really god damn ex for me..so got to see how much my pay will be when i get it few weeks later,then from there see how..hopefully is enough to buy THAT present for him..funny thing is i work so hard and in the end,my salary,i only think of and worry about is his present..im really crazy..all i can think about is him..instead of myself..hais..=( now my biggest worry is that if he dont wanna accept my present,then how?im gonna be god damn upset..like last time..my very first time handmade cookies as his valentine's day present..plus a card..he threw them into the dustbin without even looking inside the bag..then some presents that i gave him,he gave them back to me..now the only thing i can rmb him keeping is a mini monkey boxer hp accessory plus a mini card wrote from me to him..but he dont know put where already..i guess is in the dustbin too..hais..im really depressed over that..hais hais HAIS!!!=(

overall,today is quite smooth-sailing for me ba..pon my first half of school..went for last lesson only..then went to batok meet dajing,reiner and one more guy whom i dont know his name..went to eat,then arcade play and lastly,watch movie..but only with dajing and reiner..we went to watch 'superbad' and its a god damn funny show..i keep laughing man..lol..really worth watching..thats the reason why i wanted to watch it so much right from the very start but nobody pei me watch..finally today's the chance..thanks,dajing and reiner..for you all de company..=)

Do you know
Do you know

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you . . . .

If you just don’t talk to me, babe.

I flow through my act
The question is she needed
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the LAST 3 YEARS like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that’s never happened to me.
But after this episode I don’t see, you could never tell the next thing life could be

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know,

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

[27 days to his birthday]
-lurbbing him

♥Thursday, October 25, 2007

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me

Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby


-lurbbing him

♥Wednesday, October 24, 2007

夜里传来雨的声音
轻轻拨动心的旋律
情不自禁想起你
那些甜蜜的回忆
总是不小心就淋湿了我的眼睛
爱情需要一些呼吸
偶尔保持一点距离
回到朋友的关系
任你自由的来去
从此想念你只能放在我心里

你还爱我吗
一直好想问你这句话
却又怕听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗
为何你总是不说话
眼看我为爱不爱挣扎
你爱我吗
好久没有你的消息
心里还惦记着你

在这冷冷的夜里
感觉那么的熟悉
好想再见你想听听你的声音
感情的路总让人好无助
我会学着面对独处
给深爱的你祝福

oh
一直好想问你这句话
却又怕听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗
这是我唯一的牵挂
不管你会有什么回答
我会一直等你
你还爱我吗

-lurbbing him



history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..history is repeating..
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

once again..hes avoiding me..like how he did few years back..saw him twice today..first at cc..second at mos..he see me like see ghost like that..haiz..im starting to feel and think that hes better off without me..and so i made this decision..that is to let him go..i dont wanna bother him anymore..ive got to put an end to all these..i think hes waiting for this to happen all along..so ill just grant him..he should be happier now..haiz..sobs..='(

ytd night suddenly recalled that ive got one of his passport-size photo with me..got it from his wallet last year,i guess..i forgot already..i placed it in my cabinet all along..ytd i took it out and put it into my wallet..i guess thats the only thing related to him that i can keep with me all the time..at least sth that i can looked at when i miss him,instead of contacting him or finding him and give him nothing but disturbance..haiz..=( but whenever i look at that photo,all the past memories came to my mind all at once..i really miss the HIM in the past..when we stead..the sweet HIM..sweet words and sweet voice of his..haiz..since we broke up,he has never ever said or done any sweet stuffs for me already..not at all anymore..haiz..sobs..='(

past few days forgot to smoke finish my cigarettes..left 3 of them for days le..today then rmb so i smoke one of them..another one gave joseph..left one more for tml ba..im really courting death man..my asthma got serious recently only..serious till the condition is like how i was when i was young..need to use two different inhalers now..but indeed,i stopped using them for going a month..plus start taking cigarettes..lol..

my flu is really killing me man..today got worse..cant stop sneezing in class..brought 3 packets of tissues to school today but in the end still get one more from kengtheng..lol..really feel like cutting off my nose man..arghhh!=(

today really kena said by siewfong and shawn..nag at me to come school everyday..ask me dont pon already..ask me what actually happened and etc..haiz..sorry,guys..for making you all worried..=( today sf also ask me take part in ngeeann's road relay competition with her and our friends..im still considering..haiz..should i?come to think of it..i did won 1st for road relay for two consecutive years in bukitview last time..during my sec 3 and 4 years..lol..wonderful memorable moments..and shiny medals..hehe..=P unforgetable......

theres so many movies that i wanna watch..'superbad','brothers',etc etc..but i cant find anyone to accompany me..i hope for him but hes having exams now..but i know..even if he doesnt have exams and is free,he also wont watch with me de..haiz..as usual..thats him..=(

im looking forward to this friday after school..going orchard with joseph they all..finally im getting my havanas..great!hehe..ive been waiting for that for god damn long man..told mum my present slippers going to spoil liao..thats why she give me money to buy a new one..hehe..=P

i guess next week ill be very busy ba..
monday-school,work
tuesday-school,work
wednesday-school
thursday-school
friday-school,gym(with ahmei[my childhood bestfriend])
saturday-malaysia(grandfather's 80th birthday dinner)
sunday-malaysia

today in school very bored so took a few photos..here are some of them...............



-lurbbing him

♥Tuesday, October 23, 2007

god damn fucked up with my nose today..having flu..arghhh!think cause i walked in the heavy rain home last night..10 minutes walk in the rain at night..shiok ar!LOL!shivering like hell..my teeth are all shaking..clothes and hair all keep dripping water..went home liao,didnt bath straight somemore..lol..

pon school once again today..haiz..think really need to prepare to drop out of poly le..my attendance now are like shit man..haiz..my interest and mood in studies are getting lesser and lesser..haiz..

went to work again instead..at night saw my 'naima'(celeste),kahsiong and shujian..as usual that trio..lol..they came subway and eat..and of course im glad to serve my sista..hehe..=P she's one of my 7 beloved sistaz..^_^

siewfong msg me just now..persuading me to go school..cause shes worried for me too..sorry wor,sf..didnt meant to make you worried..but i do have my own reasons de..just dont worry too much about me ba..thanks for your concern btw..im sure my classmates did talk about me in class these few days cause i didnt go school so often..teacher's also keep looking for me..haiz..i guess not only sf worried ba..shawn etc as well..haiz..i'm sorry,everyone!=( ill try to go school from now onwards..and on time too..

recently also god damn fucked up with my ipod ear piece..arghhh!spoilt for months le..but just recently then got worse..one side keep no sound..wth..the wire spoilt already..lousy ear piece of mine!!!=(


-lurbbing him



I'm sorry I didn't mean to call
but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it
and so I surrender just to hear your voice

I know how many times I said I'm gonna to live without you
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but there's something baby that you need to know

that deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.

Vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that I need to live
the air that I breathe

carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my day's are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste
the purest of pain.

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
that it didn't hurt me when you walked away
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way
and deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back...


-lurbbing him



today work halfway saw HIM walk past alone..shock..didnt expect it..but glad and delighted..even though he didnt look in but still,i felt better..its like im living in total darkness and suddenly a dim of light appear out of nowhere and direct me out of that darkness..just a glimpse of him makes me smile..^_^ and yup..that really gives me the power to move on with my work for the rest of the day..hehe..=P

this morning i pon school again..never go at all..haiz..but went to work instead..today was fun at work?can say so ba..served quite alot of my friends..hehe..except for that particular colleague of mine that spoiled my work mood..everytime say me this and that..just cause i didnt do things in her convenience?haiz..i dont know la..sian half la..whenever kena said by her..=(

theres quite alot of new staffs came in recently..knew quite alot today..got timothy,cecilia and etc..and yup..im gonna talk about timothy..lol..hes quite a good-looking guy..or rather,a cute guy..lol..with deep dimples and fit body figure..hes from ngee ann too..year 3..from ECE..stays in gombak..PLUS just 2 blocks away from CHARCOAL's house..LOL..he last time from assumption english..dont go clubbing de..works just for fun and no special reason..lol..i indeed dig alot of information out of him..whahaha..hes just a really sociable and friendly guy..caring too..i scald myself today quite alot of times..and he dont know ask how many hell out of times if im okay anot..lol..i keep saying okay but he still never stop asking..LOL..i introduced mos de ice milk tea and subway de brownie to him and he likes them too..hehe..=P in conclusion,we kinda 'click'..haha..he likes to smile at me and li siao me..i go in kitchen drink water only,he also want say me..lol..he only works one day per week..haiz..sadden..LOL!kidding..hes just a very nice guy..now a good friend of mine..LOL!=X

翻开随身携带的记事本
写着许多事都是关於你
你讨厌被冷落
习惯被守候
寂寞才找我
我看见自己写下的心情
把自己放在卑微的后头
等你等太久
想你泪会流
而幸福快乐是什么
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
日记本里页页执着
记载着你的好
像上瘾的毒药
它反覆骗着我
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼睛让你走
烧掉日记重新来过






-lurbbing him

♥Saturday, October 20, 2007

the rest of the day today really suck to me..haiz..everything turn out bad..his treatment to me suck it all..everything is really going back to how it was in the past..and i mean EVERYTHING!history is really repeating again..and this is what i hate and afraid the most..haiz..fuck the hell out of my life!
i took smoking back again..once again..bought one packet just now and smoke one after the other non-stop..tears also didnt stop flowing..heart also never stops hurting and breaking..i cant take it anymore..really hate my life..really hate him treating me this way..i really wonder and really need to know what hes actually thinking about..he never tells me..haiz..sobs..='(

just now when pei-ing my bro,i keep falling asleep halfway cause really very tired..but sad to say..my bro caught me sleeping and start slapping me non-stop to wake me up and make sure i do not go back to sleep again..haiz..my cheek god damn pain la..haiz..today is really god damn suay!=(

im working morning tml at 10am to 4pm but i couldnt sleep now at all..its already 424am..haiz..i confirm damn shag tml..plus is a saturday..will be god damn busy..i can prepare to collapse tml..now im considering whether to chiong from now till tml totally no sleep,or go to bed now and catch as much sleep as i can..but the problem is I COULDNT SLEEP!!!AHHH!!!

why must lurbbing him always turn out this way?am i really that imperfect for him?


-lurbbing him

♥Friday, October 19, 2007

these few nights keep sleeping with mummy and hatred(father)..cause sec and third bros keep coming back home to sleep so i no place sleep,got to squeeze with my parents..haiz..but still,i keep having problems getting myself to sleep..and ended up couldnt wake up in the morning and didnt go school..also plus i pei my bro till very late..like ytd night..i pei him till 240am and i say i want go sleep already cause very sleepy then he ask me what time i need wake up,i say 11am..then he say 3am to 11am then is sleep 8 hours,which means i still got 20 minutes got to pei him then can go sleep..im like wth..cant i just sleep alittle more?haiz..20 minutes he also want argue with me..i really feel suck living in that family with him..i really dont know how much longer can i tolerate all these nonsense..18 years of pain and chaos created all by him..violence and quarrels..bruises and cuts..blood..haiz..sobs..='(

today is god damn suay for me..i almost fell down at my house there when i going to school..then just now when alighting bus 61 at batok bus interchange,i fell..my toes and feet hurts damn lots la..haiz..i really feel like getting a new pair of havanas but too bad..i broke le..really no money liao..plus now i try to work as much as i can to save money for HIS birthday present and cake..wanna get a nice one for HIM..so got to work harder le..

now im like working and studying at the same time..monday and tuesday end early,at 1 so i work 3 to 9..then saturday work 10 to 4..confirm must chiong liao..confirm very tiring de..plus my health deteriorating le..but this year is his 18th birthday..must be a special one..like how i respect my 18th birthday this year..so ive got to do a good one for him..last year i organise a simple birthday bbq for him..this year nehx?hmmmmm...........................

recently keep having the urge to smoke again..but im trying real hard to control myself not to..and keep eating sweets to replace them..then my urge to drink came today..i really feel like making myself drunk and cry out all my pain,let me forget all those painful memories,let me forget HIM,let me let go of HIM..haiz..who wanna drink with me??

ive touched cigarettes and pills but all made me feel better for a moment only..haiz..feel like trying cough syrup..i wanna find out why he like cough syrup so much..i guess i get 2 bottles from the polyclinic one of these days and try out,see how..now the only thing that keeps me moving on is his birthday..i guess after his birthday,everythings still the way it is or got worse,ill just take in sleeping pills and put myself to sleep forever..i no longer wanna take all these miseries..


-lurbbing him

♥Wednesday, October 17, 2007

i cant stop thinking about death today..haiz..im wondering how many sleeping pills will kill me..my friend say 10 will be enough..but im not too sure about that..i keep having the urge to steal my bro's sleeping pills and eat..have been considering this for the past few days..if i didnt die,my bro confirm will beat me again for that..cause he seriously hates stealing and lying..haiz..so if i really wanna eat,ive got to never wake up from it again..i prefer this way of leaving this world..cause painless..i dont wanna die in pain..i wanna sleep to death..sleep my way to hell..life without him is meaningless to me..really..haiz..sobs..='(

initially dont wanna go down batok today de..but cause dajing's off day changed to today,instead of tml..and i had promised to meet him when he off so no choice..got to go down..he keep saying me when i say i dont want..so i surrender..luckily dajing wasnt with HIM..only reiner..but in the end,when we sit outside mos and chat,i saw HIM,aryn and alvin walking towards mos..haiz..i tried to take my stuffs and run but reiner hold onto them so i ran to toilet myself..haiz..came out,saw him and rest walking towards my direction,i turned the other way and walk..but still,i didnt manage to avoid him..haiz..dont know is coincident or what..he changed his direction too and walk my direction..haiz..i walk past him..but didnt dare to look into his eyes..so i look away..i dont wanna see him..im afraid i will find it harder to let go..i never see him already want die le..see him le,i should go and die straight?haiz..i really dont know what i want..ive got to admit..i miss him alot and really hope to see him all the time but i dont wanna let him see me..haiz..im in a deep dilemma now..

one funny thing happen to me just now when im on my way home..im on bus 187 and some stupid biker keep waving to me hugely outside my window..i looked out awhile and he tried to communicate with me..i immediately turned away and ignore him..lolx..he really look god damn stupid behaving that way..haha..


我想我已开始有点疑惑
好像被他说中些什么
难道已经没有别的选择
只能乖乖的束手就策
难过的是我们做了选择
是对是错谁也没把握
如果要我放手才能获得
为何在我心中有舍不得
看着你要走还装著笑容
掩饰的脆弱要撑多久
如果现在开口如何挽留
感情这条线注定只能这么远
不敢相信已经来到终点
想你爱他必定多一些
我们之间不可能再回到从前
我还傻傻画着幸福线
看着你走远还继续装笑脸
掩饰折磨我能撑多久
如果现在开口怎么挽留
感情这条线注定无法延长一点
你已不在而我何时才清醒
相信一切都是命
不曾放弃你我不会说什么
默默的承受像个男子汉
看着你要走[看着看着你要走]
还装着笑容[多么多么笑容]
掩饰的脆弱要撑多久[还要撑多久]
如果现在开口[现在开口]
如何挽留[如何挽留]
感情这条线注定只能这么远
看着你要走[woo～]
还装着笑容[we will carry on]
掩饰的脆弱要撑多久[knowing there were words i've never said baby]
如果现在开口[现在开口]
如何挽留[如何挽留]
感情这条线
注定只能这么远
[let the words remain unsaid]

sleeping pills...please put me to sleep forever...thanks...


-lurbbing him


does anyone know how it feels when you hug your deepest love one to sleep but ended up dreaming of him with another girl together?i did..i know..and i hate that feeling..i really hate it so much that i really feel like digging my heart and brain out..to stop that feeling keep coming to me..haiz..sobs..='(

its my worst nightmare ever..i woke up from that nightmare with tears flowing down my cheek..after finding him lying just right beside me,i really felt a deep sign of relief..then i look at him sleep..looking at his face sleeping so soundly..really feel like kissing him..but i know he will be afraid of me if i do so..so i didnt..ive got to respect him..instead,i hug him even tighter..i need him..i know i desperately need him..i cant live without him..but still,tears never stop flowing..my heart hurts..really hurts alot..waking up from that nightmare truly tells me how afraid i am for him to leave me..i have so much fears in me..fear that he will go with her,instead of me..but in the end,it really happened that way..my deepest fear happened..

im hugging him..hes hugging me..but i dreamt of him with HER..them hugging,kissing..no one can imagine how i felt after having that nightmare..it haunts me almost every night..i couldnt sleep at all whenever that nightmare came to my mind..i never stop crying whenever i recall that nightmare..wherever i am,whenever i think of it..what should i do?i really hope that someone can just brainwash me..erase all these shits out from my mind..i cant take it anymore..not much longer..

school just reopen and i skipped most of my lessons already so far..skipped first lesson on monday..skipped school on tuesday..and skipped my first lesson today too..me..totally no mood to study,no mood to play,no mood to enjoy life,no mood to move on with my life,no appetite to eat,sleepless nights..how much longer can i take all these?if ever i drop out of poly or retain,i really dont wanna move on with my life already..theres no longer anything important to me to keep me moving on..he used to be the one..but now..he no longer needs me..theres nothing left to keep me here..on this earth..in this mother fucking world..

我讨厌阴天的风
冷得那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞
昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由
每一夜闭上眼睛
我看到了恶梦
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我
天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱
也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
你给了他的吻
虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你


-lurbbing him


after today..ive really got to admit..i cant live without him..really..i miss him alot alot..i didnt really see him today and i miss him so badly that im going insane..i love him more than anyone..im willing to sacrifice anything for him..really..but he wont come back..he just wont..no matter what i do,he still leaves me..ALONE..he doesnt bother about me anymore..whether im dead or alive,he doesnt care..he will only say..its my business..not his..haiz..sobs..='(

ive been waiting..always waiting..throughout these 3 years..waiting for his love..but it never came..he never denies his love for me..but he also never admits either..haiz..im really troubled..depressed..im really afraid that i will go out of my mind soon..ive been waiting for his msg today..whole day waiting..weiwen,weixiang,weijian,dajing,ricky korkor etc msg me..but his didnt come..truly disappointed..upset..i really wonder..what should i do then he will come back to me?its not that i didnt do much for him..i really did alot for him..more than enough i think..i gave him all my heart..for him to make use,make fun of etc..but i never blame him..why must he still treat me this way?am i really not worthy for his love?

or maybe the girl he has always been wanting is always beside him?and that he had totally forgotten about me?forgot about my existence?that ive been waiting all along?loving him all this while?doing so much for him?haiz..maybe shes the right one for him..thats why he will let her be with him,instead of me..i truly realise that hes better off without me..he dont need me at all..shes the one he need all along..my heart really hurts..feel being stabbed a billion times..but all i can do is cry,writing out my feelings here..afterall if he is happy being with her,i should be happy for him too..

last night i couldnt sleep..until this morning 5plus then i went to bed..suppose to wake up at 6plus,an hour later,and go school but in the end,i didnt..i slept through..totally no will to wake up at all..feel like lying there forever..and ya..in the end,i didnt go school..woke up in the afternoon..went to lavender enquire about my passport renewal..then to botak's house..suppose to tutor him maths but in the end got problem and we need to go down cc sit..bad things happen..botak kena beaten by other guy..im god damn fucked up..his face red le lo..basket..but too bad,we cant find those people anymore..they are gone..poor botak..haiz..seeing my very own buddy hurt but i cant do anything for him..felt so helpless..haiz..=(
i did went csc awhile then go westmall find weijian..went to watch 'Mr WoodCock' with him and his friends..funny show..but watch halfway,i suddenly think of HIM and i stopped watching for a moment..haiz..went back home..went to bath but in the end,i cried once again..letting out my feelings,thoughts and misses towards him..i really feel very hopeless..i miss him so much but all i can do is imagining writing his name down with my finger..the more i write,the more i think of our past and memories,and the more i cry..afterall,no matter how many guys i meet,they still cant change your position in my heart..at times,he really care and take care of me alot..but im afraid is cause hes guilty of how he treat me in the past..and that hes trying to pay back..haiz..i really hope it isnt like this..

i pick up smoking once again today..haiz..i dont wanna care about myself le..he doesnt even care about me..so why should i care?haiz..sobs..='(

btw ytd kacua and pongpong got ask me down to jurong superbowl pei them eat kfc but i didnt..then kena said by kacua till very jialat..cause everytime he ask me out,i didnt go..then he still say want wait for me go down no matter what,he dont care..haiz..but i really cant go down..i'm sorry..just that kacua's timing always not right de..haiz..


[why must things always turn out this way?back to how we were in the past..haiz..sobs..='(]
-lurbbing him

♥Tuesday, October 16, 2007

well..today nothing much..school reopen..went back to school once again..today quite shiok..cause end at 1pm..before that,went for some stupid briefing..and bad news..the students under the same major as i am,got to go for our attachment during year 3,first semester..haiz..sianz..which means after the attachment,the last half of my final year,got to go back to school and study again..god damn lame shit it is..haiz..suay like siao..=(

went back to batok after my lunch in school today..to meet nicholas,joseph,daryl and lynette..went to csc de ktv sing..then to cc coffeeshop slack..then to westmall arcade..saw HIM there..im glad..but depressed too at the same time,cause of his treatment towards me..haiz..today also suck to me..i cried alot times..whenever im alone,i cry..after arcade,i went to my usual crying hideout at 620 alone..cry cry cry..weijian msg me and knew i was sad so ask me go csc find him..met him there and we went westmall arcade again..i happened to see HIM again..at mos burger..HIM sitting with my worst nightmare there..haiz..i feel my heart being stabbed a million times..='(

then weijian send me to bus stop wait for 187 home..i cried once again while on my way walking back home from my destination stop..lakeside mrt..a total of 10 minutes walk home crying non-stop..stopped awhile to prevent my brothers knowing that i cried..

went to bathroom,continue again..i turn on the shower and the freezing cold water sprinkling on me..it was cold..god damn cold..but i dont have the mood,or rather the will to go out and on the heater..there i am..squatting down under the freezing cold shower crying all the way for more than half an hour..im freezing..i know i am..but the crying made my inner body abit warmer..then my head started giddy..and i knew..i cried too much..i realise..no matter how much i cry,im still unable to cry out all 3 years of pain inside my heart..

i really dont know how much longer can i endure all these..life without him..life with him treating me this way..life with a sucky family..life with so much fears,violence,hatred,quarrels,sadness,loneliness,darkness..i rather die..my will to live is weaker than ever..people can say im stupid..but im serious here..if ever,i cant take it anymore and leave this world,close friends of mine,who have my family's contact no,please help me inform my third brother regarding this blog..ask him to read my blog..thanks..

sleepless nights..........fears............tears..................sadness in the heart



-lurbbing him

♥Monday, October 15, 2007

一个人喝醉好想找个人来陪
我们之间有太多的误会
爱不能再沉睡
是可悲是摧毁
我不要再为谁掉眼泪
爱过才后悔想要用酒来麻醉
我们之间有太多的误会
爱不能再沉睡
是可悲是摧毁
我不要再为谁而心碎
求求你给我个机会
不要再对爱说无所谓
如果相爱是完美
就让我们用真心去面对
求求你给我个机会
不要再对爱说无所谓
留下了太多伤悲
告诉我你到底爱着谁


-lurbbing him

♥Sunday, October 14, 2007

its been sooo god damn long since i last blogged..and of course lots of things happened again..but this period of time is the worst time of my life so far..really alot worst things happened..the thing that i'm really afraid of,really came back..which is HIM..in the past when i gave him up,i never thought that i will fall for him again anymore and i really hope i wont..cause really very tong ku..but in the end,it still happened..haiz..its been 3 years already..why cant i just let go totally?im really fed up with myself..hate myself for being this way..being so weak..low determination..last time bee made me gave him up and i thought i did gave up totally but i was wrong..totally wrong..just a 'happy birthday' msg from him on my birthday this year,already touches my heart..slowly getting back contact with him,eventually the feelings still came back..everything just suck..my family also..but i dont wish to tell about it..about him..although he treats me much better than how he does in the past..but there's still alot that didnt change and still remains..the hurt..pain..memories..histories..treatment..haiz..and also the non-stop guessing of his feelings towards me..i never knew how he feels towards me..never..even after 3 years..i always have to tell from his actions,words and imagine myself how he feels..and i guess my instincts are always wrong..even now..he will never face his own feelings..he anything also dare to do but just wont dare to bravely go into a relationship again..i just dont understand..whats so scared about it?he can do it in the past,why not now?isnt it a great thing to be with the one you love?rather than pushing her to other guys?thinking that she will be better off with other guys?

ive been struggling throughout these 3 years..being with bee..first two breakups are cause of HIM..cause i cant let go..luckily bee gave me that 2 chances and in the end he made me let go of HIM..but now how?i cant possibly be so lucky and meet another good guy to let me let go of HIM once again..furthermore that HE treats me much better now..and my feelings for him are even stronger now..he had done quite alot for me too during this period of time..im touched,honestly..cause i cant believe he will do so..the sweetest thing i can rmb of him now is the period of time when we stead 3 years back and the hugs and care he gave me not long ago..unforgettable..totally memorable..but why?i dont understand..he dont wanna admit his feelings towards me but why at times his actions tells me so?im quite fed up with him too..i care for him almost all the time but just once when hes injured,i didnt really care much enough,hes upset about it..when i care for him,he ignored me..so i thought i was irritating..thats why i dont dare to care too much..but in the end,hes angry..haiz..i only beg for his love to be as much as mine..am i wrong?deeply wrong for 3 years?

this time worse till few weeks ago,i ate all my headache pills given by my doctor,30 over of them and lost my conscious in my toilet,thus,injured my leg..stopped working for more than a week..now whenever my headache comes,i got no more headache pills to eat already..haiz..btw im working at westmall subway now..hmm..then i started smoking few days ago..but stopped totally ytd,which is after 3 days of smoking..cause he say hes very disappointed with me..i dont wish to see him sad or angry so i stopped..but i really cant imagine i will touch smoking ever..tempted since sec1 till now..used to die die also wont touch but in the end recently started..told laogong(chanmyat) about it and she can tell how much im hurt recently..shes damn upset too..but she understands most on how i feel..cause shes the one who has seen and been with me through these 3 years..my tears for HIM,doings for HIM etc..she know it all..she knows how hurt i am to love HIM this way..

i really wonder when then will our story end..3 years already..i used to think of writing our story down in THAT diary..but theres too many of them already..to the extent that even a novel is not enough to consist our story..i really love him more than anyone..the deepest guy i have ever loved..the next is bee of course..bee is my sweetest love BEFORE..HIM is my deepest love BEFORE and NOW..haiz..

throughout these 3 years,i did quite afew stuffs behind his back for him..up till now,he still doesnt know them at all..cause all i hope for is him to be happy..but i think i failed..cause i can feel somewhere deep inside his heart,hes lonely,depressed and needed love..behind those eyes,those hugs,those words,those smiles of his,i feel them..but he just wont express them out at all..hes always like that..a loner..recently i really cried alot regarding his stuffs..really too much things had happened already..im afraid i cant take them any longer..3 years is not short..

ytd night i just cried only..my friends were playing cards at a basketball court and i went to another side,the playground to be alone and cry out my feelings..alot people were there to console me..as in msging..dajing msg and also called me to cheer me up..then weixiang and weiwen..i'm thankful that they were there for me..but the one i really hope for wasnt there..HIM..i cried twice..first is playground..he didnt know about it cause i didnt inform him..i just cried alone there while hes at the other side playing..second time is when im walking from alvin's house to batok cc there find nicholas and rest to thon,with my leg injured,i msg him,he didnt reply..i really needed him but he wasnt there..im god damn depressed..i sent him lots of msgs but after a long time,he called me then i know he slept already so never reply me..haiz..its fated ba..for everything to be this way..isnt also fated that i cant get his love again?am i really that worse that i dont deserve his love at all?haiz..these few days i feel even more suck cause i suspect he likes a friend of mine..haiz..if he really does,i only can wish him all the best..cause only that girl can give him what he wants and im sure she will treasure him too..afterall the most important thing is for him to be happy..i really dont wish he everything also blame himself..haiz..cause of some misunderstandings and quarrels recently,he started blaming everything to himself..even my fault,he also say is his..haiz..i really dont know what hes thinking..and what he truly wants..

i keep feeling that im a burden of his..really feel like disappearing from him..but i find it god damn hard to do so..i just cant do it..and im also afraid that if he needs me,im not there..i really dont wish that i attempt to leave him and he hurt himself again..what should i do??if anything happens to him,i also cant move on..haiz..*sobs* ='(


-lurbbing him

JUKEBOX

♥EMOGIRL

RUMIKO
aka JoeyZhiHui
` Going 20
` 4th September 1989
` NgeeAnnPoly
` InformationTechnology(eBusiness)
` 3rdYear
` single
Love me or hate me, its still an obsession

CRAVINGS

` Someone Who 'loves dotes cares' Me
` My Freedom
` My Very Own Life

LOVES

` sisters ~coming5years



` budds ~coming5years



` childhoodbestfriend ~coming13years



` godfamily ~coming20years


NIL


` mum & 2nd 3rd bros




` closefriends ~varies

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SAYONARA

BABYkelvin | andrewKOR | ameliaDAJIE | andyHEIHEI | adelineTAN | alvinLEE | AKIRA | chanmyatLAOGONG | chunbinJIEJIE | CHERMAINE | chinWEI | CLAUDIUS | dicksonPIGGY | DANIEL | GILSON | hongKIAN | hanWEN | hengWAH | JOYCE | jacinthaJIEJIE | JOSEPH | joeyCHUA | JASMINE | jialingELEPHONT | kelvinONG | keeSIONG | lynetteBAOBEI | minchunDEAR | maxDIDI | MAHATHIR | MIKE | nicholasBUDD | NICOLE | peiJIE | peiYUAN | qikaiAIDE | rouyingMEIMEI | ROWENA | REUBEN | sionglengDIDI | supanMEIMEI | souYAN | siokhuiMEIMEI | STEFFENIE | STEVEN | siuYUN | SHUANA | vincentBUDD | vivienSWEETY | wanxinDARLING | weizhiSOTONG | xiaoBEN | xiaoXIAN | xinLING | yuanqiKORKOR | yiZHEN | yinhuiMEIMEI | YENNY | ziyiHAIGUI | zhonghweeBUDD | zhiJUAN |

!THANKS

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