♥Sunday, October 14, 2007

its been sooo god damn long since i last blogged..and of course lots of things happened again..but this period of time is the worst time of my life so far..really alot worst things happened..the thing that i'm really afraid of,really came back..which is HIM..in the past when i gave him up,i never thought that i will fall for him again anymore and i really hope i wont..cause really very tong ku..but in the end,it still happened..haiz..its been 3 years already..why cant i just let go totally?im really fed up with myself..hate myself for being this way..being so weak..low determination..last time bee made me gave him up and i thought i did gave up totally but i was wrong..totally wrong..just a 'happy birthday' msg from him on my birthday this year,already touches my heart..slowly getting back contact with him,eventually the feelings still came back..everything just suck..my family also..but i dont wish to tell about it..about him..although he treats me much better than how he does in the past..but there's still alot that didnt change and still remains..the hurt..pain..memories..histories..treatment..haiz..and also the non-stop guessing of his feelings towards me..i never knew how he feels towards me..never..even after 3 years..i always have to tell from his actions,words and imagine myself how he feels..and i guess my instincts are always wrong..even now..he will never face his own feelings..he anything also dare to do but just wont dare to bravely go into a relationship again..i just dont understand..whats so scared about it?he can do it in the past,why not now?isnt it a great thing to be with the one you love?rather than pushing her to other guys?thinking that she will be better off with other guys?

ive been struggling throughout these 3 years..being with bee..first two breakups are cause of HIM..cause i cant let go..luckily bee gave me that 2 chances and in the end he made me let go of HIM..but now how?i cant possibly be so lucky and meet another good guy to let me let go of HIM once again..furthermore that HE treats me much better now..and my feelings for him are even stronger now..he had done quite alot for me too during this period of time..im touched,honestly..cause i cant believe he will do so..the sweetest thing i can rmb of him now is the period of time when we stead 3 years back and the hugs and care he gave me not long ago..unforgettable..totally memorable..but why?i dont understand..he dont wanna admit his feelings towards me but why at times his actions tells me so?im quite fed up with him too..i care for him almost all the time but just once when hes injured,i didnt really care much enough,hes upset about it..when i care for him,he ignored me..so i thought i was irritating..thats why i dont dare to care too much..but in the end,hes angry..haiz..i only beg for his love to be as much as mine..am i wrong?deeply wrong for 3 years?

this time worse till few weeks ago,i ate all my headache pills given by my doctor,30 over of them and lost my conscious in my toilet,thus,injured my leg..stopped working for more than a week..now whenever my headache comes,i got no more headache pills to eat already..haiz..btw im working at westmall subway now..hmm..then i started smoking few days ago..but stopped totally ytd,which is after 3 days of smoking..cause he say hes very disappointed with me..i dont wish to see him sad or angry so i stopped..but i really cant imagine i will touch smoking ever..tempted since sec1 till now..used to die die also wont touch but in the end recently started..told laogong(chanmyat) about it and she can tell how much im hurt recently..shes damn upset too..but she understands most on how i feel..cause shes the one who has seen and been with me through these 3 years..my tears for HIM,doings for HIM etc..she know it all..she knows how hurt i am to love HIM this way..

i really wonder when then will our story end..3 years already..i used to think of writing our story down in THAT diary..but theres too many of them already..to the extent that even a novel is not enough to consist our story..i really love him more than anyone..the deepest guy i have ever loved..the next is bee of course..bee is my sweetest love BEFORE..HIM is my deepest love BEFORE and NOW..haiz..

throughout these 3 years,i did quite afew stuffs behind his back for him..up till now,he still doesnt know them at all..cause all i hope for is him to be happy..but i think i failed..cause i can feel somewhere deep inside his heart,hes lonely,depressed and needed love..behind those eyes,those hugs,those words,those smiles of his,i feel them..but he just wont express them out at all..hes always like that..a loner..recently i really cried alot regarding his stuffs..really too much things had happened already..im afraid i cant take them any longer..3 years is not short..

ytd night i just cried only..my friends were playing cards at a basketball court and i went to another side,the playground to be alone and cry out my feelings..alot people were there to console me..as in msging..dajing msg and also called me to cheer me up..then weixiang and weiwen..i'm thankful that they were there for me..but the one i really hope for wasnt there..HIM..i cried twice..first is playground..he didnt know about it cause i didnt inform him..i just cried alone there while hes at the other side playing..second time is when im walking from alvin's house to batok cc there find nicholas and rest to thon,with my leg injured,i msg him,he didnt reply..i really needed him but he wasnt there..im god damn depressed..i sent him lots of msgs but after a long time,he called me then i know he slept already so never reply me..haiz..its fated ba..for everything to be this way..isnt also fated that i cant get his love again?am i really that worse that i dont deserve his love at all?haiz..these few days i feel even more suck cause i suspect he likes a friend of mine..haiz..if he really does,i only can wish him all the best..cause only that girl can give him what he wants and im sure she will treasure him too..afterall the most important thing is for him to be happy..i really dont wish he everything also blame himself..haiz..cause of some misunderstandings and quarrels recently,he started blaming everything to himself..even my fault,he also say is his..haiz..i really dont know what hes thinking..and what he truly wants..

i keep feeling that im a burden of his..really feel like disappearing from him..but i find it god damn hard to do so..i just cant do it..and im also afraid that if he needs me,im not there..i really dont wish that i attempt to leave him and he hurt himself again..what should i do??if anything happens to him,i also cant move on..haiz..*sobs* ='(

-lurbbing him

♥RumikoLoves
11:55 PM

♥Sunday, October 14, 2007

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