♥Friday, August 31, 2007

today was quite tiring for me..cause working..although slack but still tiring..standing on heels for very long..haiz..leg pain..but the whole event was terrific! and SMU's students are really friendly and nice people..humorous too! lol..ask me go SMU after poly..LOL..hmm...............

coincidently, SMU's hip hop dancers perform their dance tonight and their song is "Last Night"..LOL..so qiao..THATS MY FAVOURITE SONG!!! and yeah! they dance well..COOL!

colin treat me to a meal at clarke quay TCC today while our break time..thanks alot to him..the meal is nice too..

after the whole event, i supposingly can stay to party de..free entry..but i very lonely..so i gave my 2 free drinks to Alicia and took mrt home after that..

oh ya..btw Alicia is the Miss SMU Pageant 2007 and Miss Photogenic..haha..while Mark is the Mr SMU and Mr Charisma(if im not wrong..cant rmb le..)..I also find that Mark is the most good looking one among the contestants..Opz! =x LOL..but hes really a very nice guy..yup..

tml still got to wake up early to meet my sisters at batok mrt at 930am..we going back to bukit view cause teachers' day..im going back to eat uncle and auntie's HOKKIEN MEE!!! WOOO!!! miss their mee VERY VERY MUCH! hehe..and also MY MRS YVONNE ONG!!! haha..love her lots! miss her even lots! =P

after that, is our SISTERS OUTING!!! YOHOO! at last we can go out together again! only us! SISTERS!

here are some photos taken today..........

♥Thursday, August 30, 2007

lots of things happened today..haiz..once i wake up online msn, melmel come talk to me..ask me where i am and ask me go tampines find him..he say he wanna see me..haiz..i rejected him eventually..called laogong..told her about it and ask whether did i do the right thing..she say yes..haiz..i really dont know..this time is the first time i disobey melmel..he want me but im not there..but thinking of the whole matter, afterall hes out to play me..so what for? he said lots of promises today but his promises are never kept before..i will never trust him as the same as before already..

nothing much today..went aide's house use lappy..chiong my drama, butterfly lovers..hehe..that time got exams so never chiong..now holiday liao, can chiong all the way..LOL..laogong also chionging that drama..haha..but she worse still..she drama siao..chiong all one..lol..

my modelling trainer, colin msg me today..ask me help him work tml..for an event at MOS..i went to check it up..its SMU's pageant..at night..but im working from 2 to 10pm..colin say i can party after that but forget it man..me? alone? party? -.- dots..no way man..

now quite happy..cause eldest brother sleeping le..he today very tired so sleep early..which means i dont need to pei him tonight! yuppy! hehe..can rest early tonight le..no need wait for him to say i can sleep then can go sleep.. *phew*

next few days are packed i guess..
tml-working
friday-teachers' day celebration(going back bukit view!) then go orchard with sisters and guys
saturday^sunday-staying over at godparents' house
sunday-go out with godparents
monday-MY BIRTHDAY BBQ!!!
tuesday-MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY but spending it alone..haiz.. =(
wednesday-PRAWNING or FISHING with sisters and guys!

-love him

♥Wednesday, August 29, 2007

ytd was a god damn fun day for me..although the main purpose is to go out with aide but afterall they all really made my day..cheer me up alot..i didnt stop laughing ytd and they all thought i mad..LOL..

i will upset and troubled is cause i quarrel with bbh very very badly..but they really cheer me up..i fa dai quite a few times when out with them and laogong aga aga know what im thinking..so she ask me dont think so much and just play with them..

hmm..there was me, shunhong, aide, zhuowei, laogong, ziyi and ME! shunhong is i last minute call de..but asking him out is a really very difficult task..LOL..must msg, msn and call..beg beg beg, nag nag nag..then he will come..HAHA..gave him 2 morning calls and HE CAME! hehe.. =P

we went to cineleisure and catch our movie at 315..was little late although..cause we went to buy chips..hehe..watching "license to wed"..not a bad show..quite nice..funny..lol..then we go heeren and taka walk walk..eat eat eat all the way..lol..think we really eat lots of junk food ytd..in cinema, at taka etc..and yup..heres the bao ying..i'm having very serious cough and sore throat..ARGHHH! =(

but ytd was really fun with them..ESPECIALLY SHUNHONG!!! basket..non-stop big bully..never say me will die like that..but dont worry..I DIDNT REGRET BRINGING YOU OUT!!! lol..you indeed brighten up my day..thanks ya! =D and also thanks for hearing me whine few days back..lol..

oh ya..and initially on 5th sept night, laogong and me want go club de..but suddenly ytd we talked about going prawning and fishing cause i really wanna go VERY VERY MUCH..so YUP! we should be going on 5th sept..no clubbing but PRAWNING or FISHING! hehe..GREAT! along with those shuai ges, MORE GREAT! LOLLLLL........ i bring them along only will bully them..haha..or rather SHUNHONG BULLY ME! HUMPHX!

but poor shunhong..ytd dont know give me beat how many times le..think his body can be swollen liao..LOL..who ask him bully me non stop..humphx! he deserve it! but still, im also thankful for his sweater..haha..IF NOT, ill freeze to death le..haha..BUT HOR..HE SHOULD HAVE LEND IT TO ME EARLIER!!! as in, INSIDE THE THEATRE! wth..he after the movie then lend me..LOL..i inside already want frozen liao..but still THANKS, SHUNHONG!!! hehe.. =P

"see..kai..you are not HOT enough..if not, i wont be cold le..lol.."

ytd they all were saying on my birthday bbq i confirm will kena sabo..haiz..hopefully they wont drop me in the pool..cause i really dont know how to swim..and had a very bad experience drowning in the sea before..that was also on my birthday many years back..luckily laiping korkor save me that time..this time? haiz..shunhong say he dont care..they will still push me down..then i say, "THEN YOU BETTER COME SAVE ME!"..haiz..sound kidding..but i really scared..please, guys!!! play anything also can BUT NOT SWIMMING POOL! =(

we took quite a few photos ytd too..how can dont take photos when there are 3 YANDAOS?! haha..


here are those photos.........

♥Sunday, August 26, 2007

爱一个人真的很痛苦

爱他
我希望他能得到幸福

但在帮他得到幸福的时候
我却非常痛苦

我的心真的好痛
好痛好痛

痛得我眼泪不停得流
心不停得哭

我知道我和他是不可能的
所以我希望他能得到属于他的幸福




secretly in love with him
我爱他
默默地爱着他


today i got my hair changed!!! hehe..as usual..my particular hair stylist help me cut de..always wanted to ask for his name but i shy..lol..but i simply loves his haircut skills..everytime he cut my hair till nice nice de..i go other salons, they just simply suck..i told him to just cut as he wants but must keep my hair long cause i want change my hairstyle but cant think of any hairstyle yet..so he spent 2 HOURS just cutting my hair! LOL! and it turn out nice to me..go home, third korkor and mum say very nice..korkor say nice means really nice de..cause his expectations on girls very high..as for eldest brother, he say not used to looking at me with this new hairstyle..lol..mum see liao was like INTRODUCE ME TO THE HAIR STYLIST! haha..that guy also very nice de..we chatted quite alot while he cut..and yup..hes another guy good with words..LOL..he still say me errie..cause he see my hp, wallet and my bottle drink all PINK! haha..he really took his own time cutting and really think of a nice hairstyle for me..but know what? even though cut 2 hours but the price no change! still 16 bucks..as usual..LOL

went grand aunt house before haircut..to discuss some stuffs for my birthday bbq..cause her daughters and her got do buffet de..then i ask them help me cook some bee hoon, fried rice and my FAVOURITE, CURRY CHICKEN! hehe..and she charge me FREE! lol..grand aunt always adores me since young..or rather ALL my relatives adores me..i cant think of any relatives who dislikes or treats me unwell..all see me liao will happy like hell..dont know why..haha..this is my first time visiting her too..last time always mum bring me there de..grand aunt lie on bed rest and i sat beside her pei her chat..shes a very open minded person..but sad to say, suffered alot in her life..ALL BECAUSE OF GUYS!!! HUMPHX! one real life example is here..haiz..her husband left her somehow..didnt ask much cause i scared she sad..married twice before de..both her husbands are BASTARDS! this one i confirm know..haiz..poor her..cheated twice..and brought up 2 daughters on her own..few years back she almost left us cause of cancer but manage to escape from it cause early stages if im not wrong..haiz..lucky..GUYS ar...................haizzz..................

just now when pei my brother watch tv, got one grey kitty came into our house..her tail kena cut half de..poor thing..but its not its first visit already..alot times le..initially i dont know it come in..until it walking out, then we realise..then just now when we all sleeping..it came again..this time worse still..came to my room's doorfront and "MEOW!!!" at my eldest brother..LOL..so loudly that it woke us up..i open door go out see..my brother say it run away le when it saw my brother stand up..

hmm..just to clarify..my eldest brother sleep in my room..i sleep in my third plus second brothers' room..if they both come back then i go my parents' room sleep..i sounds like begger ya? haha..no choice..my eldest brother want sleep my room ma..so give in to him lo..anyway like that for years le..xi guan le..

and yup..that particular kitty sometimes kena caught by me when i midnight wake up go out drink water..saw it run out of the house..i wonder why..not any other house but ours..but we stay at 8th storey leh..day time i sometimes take stairs down de also never see it..it cant possibly walk up 8th storey just to come my house ba..

i really wonder if that kitty isnt my that most eldest korkor reincarnation form..lol..sounds ridiculous but its weird that it shouts so loudly at my eldest brother just now..when we see it out at the corridor, it meows softly at us a few times..hmmm.......it is like a regular visitor of my house le..LOL

oh ya..just now i got pass by cc..saw all my lion dance coaches there..patrick coach, eugene coach, peter coach, lianfa coach and huang coach..plus some my lion dancemates..wisely, weichao and the young boys..doing the props for the coming taka competition on 6th sept..coaches all see me liao shock..lol..ask me where have i been, why so long never come training..lol..eugene coach was like, COME BACK NOW! lol..as usual..this is him..then the rest was like, 6th SEPT TAKA COM-COME SUPPORT! haha..OH SHIT! i forgot to ask them whos the lion head and tail going for the com..wonder isnt ronghui korkor again..he got traditional 2nd place last year..but he told me he wont compete anymore le leh..hmmm.........should i just pass by taka and go see them or wear chu shi clothes and go with them on lorry, help them move props and carry stuffs?? go with them like very weird leh..cause i god damn long never go le..

-me missing me

this is last year de photo..ronghui korkor de accomplishment..(me only girl go with them lo..)
























my new hairstyle but cant tell much cause im wearing black..

♥Saturday, August 25, 2007

I MISS BELLEBELLE!!!








The Love Chain
bbh-->me-->HIM-->another girl

haiz.......... =(


i dreamt of him just now again..ridiculous as usual..but sweet one of course..dreamt that one day he really likes me and we were together..LOL
STUPID ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



[[[i thought of confessing to HIM on my birthday..of course not personally..just some other way..initially i dont wanna confess so early de..cause he will only think that im a flirt even more..and everything will look god damn ugly too..but he will be going ns soon..what should i do?
is
EITHER
i confess to him on my birthday and make myself look ugly and he will avoid me
OR
keep it to myself so that we can still be at least friends but maybe one day regret for not telling him?

AHHH!!! I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!! ='( ='( ='(



SAD SAD SAD! fever die die also dont wanna go..got higher somemore..haiz.. =( last night ate panadols and felt alittle better..this morning wake up, come back again..took temperature..its 38.1..also vomitted again..when bathing, to prepare go exam..once again, nothing out but liquid..haiz..first time ever i fall so sick on my exam day..sian away..its like so fated to happen this way..taking my lousiest paper today and so god damn sick at the same time too..and yup..the whole paper suck! even those who are good at LAN also find it hard..what more me? who cant even pass..can prepare to fail le..i only did 5% of the paper i guess..really dont know how to do..wrote lots of rubbish..but after the paper, i took bus with fazil..he told me say maybe fail no need retain..he heard from our classmate de..but true anot, i dont know..i also find it ridiculous to retain for that module..cause its an elective..i also never major in it..no point retaking..its like...............
this semester's 2 electives:
eBusiness(EBF)
Local Area Networks(LAN)
next semester ill be studying my major and i got my major result le..its EBF..the one i want..very happy..so whats the point of retaking LAN? when i dont need it anymore..they want us study is cause to let us understand those 2 electives and see which one we suitable in and choose our major for next semester..but afterall, overall results must pass in order to go up..so hopefully my other modules can help me..

today after exam, i took bus down to bbh's condo outside bus stop wait for him..cause he say he need time to prepare..and so upon reach i didnt msg him..didnt want to rush him..after 30mins, i bth liao..msg him..he ask me "you reach le ar?".. -.- i was wrong..i should msg him when i reach..lol..in the end waited for him in total 45 mins..omg..and yup..i was very upset..cause fever got worse again..i sat at the bus stop too long le..the wind keep blowing..even the sun shining on me brightly, i also feel cold..oh gosh..

we today very bo liao..initially wanna watch "license to wed"..we both want watch very much..but jp no timing le..other places also dont have..we from jp went lot1..lot1 went westmall..LOL..in the end, we watch "evan almighty" at westmall..its a nice movie btw..very very funny..haha..worth watching.. =D

just now reach home go bath..feel like vomitting again..after bathing took temperature..38.4!!! higher than this morning and ytd night! sadden..went to eat panadols again..its like the panadols no effect liao jiu fever come back..haiz..hmm..if tml still not okay, i guess i go jurong polyclinic see doctor myself ba..anyway i also dropping by there to cut hair..my usual salon..xquizit..jurong west there..near cc..i like their way of cutting hair..

this morning when sleeping, teckchuan call me..weird weird de..just to ask me how i am?? -.- lol..told him i had fever and having exam at the same time, he also sad for me..haiz..ask me take care and stuffs..as usual..and yup..he say when i okay then contact him..wonder what hes up to..hmm.........

cant wait for my birthday bbq to come!!! hehe..invited mostly bukit viewans..especially my sec4 classmates..some same batch de..and some seniors..and of course, MY 6 SISTERS! hehe..hmm..ask them come, of course must think for them..dont wish anybody to be lonely..so i ask those who know each other de lo..i also got ask bee though he dont know my friends..lol..mummy also coming after her work..hopefully the bbq is still on when she come..cause bbh told me the condo security will chase us out before 12am..and mummy off work already 12plus to 1.. =( sadden..really wish mummy can come celebrate with me..ITS MY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!! it really meant alot to me..i ask hongsoon help me book pit at his condo cause his condo very near my house..plus he say he will bring out one liquor from his house for me..GREAT! hehe..DRINK DRINK DRINK! =P
DETAILS..........
location: Lakeholmz Condo(hongsoon's condo)-Corporation Road-walking distance from Lakeside MRT
time: 7plus
date: 3rd september

come to think of it..i many years never cut cakes on my birthday le..haiz..really hope to buy one this year and cut..but sad to say..no money..the whole bbq i should be paying..to reduce costs, save the cake..

[[[frankly speaking..i really hope that HE will help me celebrate my actual birthday..which is 4th september..but i know its really impossible..so i hope god will let me at least have a sweet and wonderful dream of it on my actual birthday..LOL..i sound so stupid..although dreams are only fantasies, but theres no harm dreaming.. =) ]]]



-me missing him

(i miss bellebelle.. =( )

♥Thursday, August 23, 2007

this is my horoscope today..although horoscopes are not reliable..but this is kinda true..

[You're to be congratulated for your healthy ambition, but is it keeping you from enjoying the simpler things in life? Today you need to think about how you are prioritizing the different tasks and people in your life. Do you put as much importance on lunch with a friend as you do on that presentation in front of the bigwigs? You should. Apply that wonderful ambition of yours to your personal relationships. Put in the extra hours that they require.]

true that i didnt apply much effort into my relationships already..not as much as how i did in the past..haiz..what has happen to me that changed me this way?

hmm..today de OOAD exam..i late again..haiz..worse than ytds paper..15 mins late..cause before leave home, suddenly asthma attack and chest pain..haiz..sian..now worse..fever..measure here and there still 38.2 never drop.. =( head really god damn heavy and spinning..just now when bathing suddenly vomit again..haiz..dont know got disturb my parents anot..cause kinda loud..but with all problems, i still got to bring myself up..to study for LAN exam tml..although confirm retain for that module as my class tests all F, but i wanna at least write sth tml..i totally no interest in that module..thats why..choose wrong elective le..sian..no matter how much i tried, it just wont get into my brain..i HATE that module..arghhh! now fever still need CHIONG CHIONG CHIONG! CANNOT SLEEP! MY HEAD PAIN PAIN!!! ='(

initially wanna give up on my LAN exam tml..dont wanna study..just prepare to retain..so at first after today de exam, i went out with my classmates..cause they finish all exams le..they never take LAN de..went clementi de pizza hut eat..i took lots of photos there..haha..got quite alot people ba..me, siewfong, lizhen, yena, ezra, shawn, ben, ryan, morgan and kengtheng..it was damn fun with them..laugh here and there..but kinda pai sei too..they always like to play this and that..the cheese and chilli all over our place..especially MORGAN! AIYO! LOL.. =P but i eat till i broke..totally no money left..still owe shawn 2 bucks..haiz..
after that they wanna go nearby clementi stadium there play pool..walk till bridge there, i decided to go back..i think that i should at least go study sth for LAN, instead of giving up like that..sf supported me and she also joining me to leave..i send her to interchange, she goes up her bus, then i go another bus stop take my bus..see..i so good to my laogong..hehe.. =X

rachel didnt join us today..sadden..cause her bf booking out so she going to find him..come to think of it..quite a few of my class girls de bfs are inside army..they everytime like look forward to fridays like that..really wanna be like them like that..can miss bf..bf also miss me..then when see bf liao, both god damn happy..really feel like cherishing every moments with him..

last time me is like that..when melmel start to go in and first few weeks never come out..i miss him like hell..everyday look forward to his book out..still rmb..on that evening he first book out, i really wish to go fetch him..but he dont allow..everytime like that..when he first book in, he also dont allow me send him..like so scared let people know our relationship like that..cannot say out..plus i that night also got work..if he allow, i confirm take leave go fetch him..but i was so so SOOO happy to see him when im working..he didnt tell me at all..i work halfway, my colleagues tell me he come liao..i at first dont believe..then he pass by me and give me a TOUCH..i dont know how to say about that touch..but its like a SUPER SUPER surprise for me!!! he say he come see me de..although i dont know isnt true but im still very happy..hes very good at words i guess..thats why so many girls around him..he came with his friends to sing..cine level 8 kbox i mean..oh ya..and its my first time see him BOTAK! LOL..i keep laughing at him..haha..make him so pai sei..he fall asleep while singing..i off work liao, go change, then go into his room and find him..he sleep till very soundly..so hard to wake him up..so i let him sleep till whole kbox close then we left together..he want me send him home so i did..took cab to tampines, his house and i take mrt back home..
not long later, he say want break..haiz..long story..thrice he attempted to..give lots of bullshit..so i decided to let him go..everytime is guys go in army, their gfs run away..i different..is HIM RUN AWAY! i dont mind he not much time for me, he say he mind..say what cant contribute..i say he seldom meet me also can..one month one time, few weeks one time also can..when he book in, want meet friends out instead of me, i also dont mind..he say he just cant do it..BULLSHIT!!!
and yup..i foolish till after we break up, i still always look forward to fridays..go tampines find him..walk him home..then take mrt back again..i very bo liao right? i stay lakeside, he stay tampines..one head one tail..i like that also will do..i know..but i really miss him alot and just by seeing him awhile is enough for me le..
got once i go shopping, saw one nice tshirt, i buy for him..while walking him home another day, i give him but he told me he only wears labelled shirts..i sadden..i ask him throw away then..he say he wont wear but will keep..i hear liao, start to happy..lol..foolish me..even the shop staff also say so..say what he break with me liao still buy things for him..LOL..
once he ask me pei him watch movie..last minute msg de..confirm is no girl want watch with him so he find me..he knows i will go down no matter what..furthermore is watch at TAMPINES..convenient for him..and so i did..but he even complain that i slow.. -.- i stay at lakeside leh..haiz..rush down also need time de ma.. =( but in the end watch till midnight..i took cab home..30plus bucks! OMG! but to me is worthwhile at that time cause is watch with HIM..lol..stupid me..haiz..
sf, shawn they all always say me foolish..cause got a few times got class outings, i never go, instead go tampines find melmel..or sometimes leave them awhile, find melmel liao then go back find them..there are also a few times i go tampines, he not there..sometimes wait for hours for him to back home..sometimes i went back home or other places and made wasted trips down..afterall not worth it..he treat me like an extra tyre..want to stay with me like ai mei relationship but dont want patch..wth..alot colleagues and friends warn me before but i think otherwise..now i truly understand already..and i agree with my friends..
[[SHUAI GES BU KE KAO!!!]]

i was foolish to reject guys when im with melmel and when waiting for him after break up..i thought that if i stay faithful, he will love me more and treats me well..but i was wrong..i shouldnt put my whole heart into that relationship..all wasted..down the drain it goes..

i recently got tell my one friend that have he ever heard of guys go army but in the end break up with their gfs and not opposite..he say maybe cause the girl not attractive enough..not pretty or what..hmm..ive never ever think this way before..possible..maybe so ba..that im not attractive enough for melmel to stay with me..i thank my friend for helping me realise this.. =)



-me missing him


here are the photos taken today..hehe.. ;D











today is really god damn shag la..ytd night study till this morning 6am then sleep..woke up at 11plus AM and take cab rush home..bath and change, rush to school for exam..today de paper..still okay..most i know how to do..but correct anot, dont know le..haiz.. =( hopefully can pass..

in the end, i went for my training..lol..colin say this is the last second lesson..but the sad thing is i still cant get my cd photos..he say still not ready yet..should be soon..hopefully by last lesson can get..cause last lesson will be teaching us how to arrange our portfolios well..

although insufficient of sleep today, i manage to endure through all day..exam..training..studying..but now, at this time, i cannot liao..just now study till can sit and fall asleep in front of my lappy..haiz..cannot tahan already..last time de me stronger..always go thon then can few days no sleep..now cannot liao..haiz..sian..

when on my way home just now after training, i on bus took quite alot of photos..hehe..cause the bus trip is like 3 hours plus..got change bus..cant sleep on the bus so take photos..haha..weirdo me hor? hehe.. =P

initially bbh want come fetch me de..but i dont want..dont wish to bother him anymore..go home myself better.. =)

[some photos of me today..hehe.. =P]






























































































[this is me this morning..before leaving home for school exam..]



-me missing him

♥Tuesday, August 21, 2007

i gave my laogong a new name today! haha..CHANMYAT becomes XIEDUCKMYAT! LOL..as for the meaning behind it......only me, her and liting know..hehe.. =P
I LOVE MY LAOGONG, XIEDUCKMYAT!

today me and laogong was thinking how to celebrate my birthday..haiz..she knows i want go clubbing alot but our nuers, they all still underage..their birthdays are during december..sadden..i must think for my 6 sisters..afterall we are 7 always..then laogong suggest say day time we go out with them then night time she pei me go club..great idea i find it..hehe..night time also can ask aide and the rest of the guys come along..cool..and yup..laogong is a year older than all the rest of the sisters..thats why she can pei me..FURTHERMORE! SHES A CHIO BU! go club with her, confirm lots of guys crowd around her..lol..most importantly, SHES SINGLE! LOL..but shes really damn lousy in drinking..one or two cups, down liao..lol..haha..

today mum off! so happy..i woke her up at noon and jio her go down coffeeshop eat brunch..hehe..talk alot of craps with her..then she keeps laughing..lol..ytd midnight she come back from work and made me midnight snack again..really love her alot..shes really the best mum in the entire world! hehe..

then i go sp meet laogong and her classmates to study..at food court 2 de mac..study till 6plus and here i am..at laogong house..hehe..i guess tonight staying over her house and study..anyway we also same time start exam tml so i tml morning go home bath and change then go to school le..exam at 2pm..to 4..

when think about tml, i sian away..cause after exam got modelling training..dont even have time to study for thursday paper..sadden..really dont feel like going..arghhh..


today went that mac again to study..veri qiao..i saw xiao weichao there again..but this time, saw him with weina, yibei and one more guy whom i dont know..today really got study..cause wednesday is DB exam le..thursday, OOAD and friday, LAN..haiz..sian..

this morning receive msg from colin that wednesday 7pm got modelling training..i was like sian away..cause next day still got exam..suppose to go study..haiz..but no choice..cant skip any lesson anymore..and if i didnt rmb wrongly, that is the last lesson le..and hopefully on that day i can get my portfolio photos cd..dont wish to make another extra trip down just to get them..its god damn far la..haiz..everytime need take 3 hours plus bus trip home from there..sian..

after studying, i went sheng siong buy some stuffs and thought of buying redoxen vitamins for bbh..cause he told me that he keep vomitting recently and also didnt eat much..kinda worried for him..dont wish him to be like me now..keep vomitting..zhen de hen nan shou de..haiz..

then i went s11 to buy bbh's favourite there..shao rou fan..but sad to say..close le..there very early close de..sian away..i walk to my house downstairs de coffeeshop buy hokkien mee for him..then walk to his condo and meet him downstairs pass to him the food and vitamins..

on my way to s11..very qiao again..i saw xiao ben again..lol..he so cute la..see me on bus then faster rush up..sit beside me..his friend is also very cute..lol..but i next stop jiu get down le then he and his friend also get down..LOL..he just took one stop just to pei me..haha..weird him..then he ask me pei him wait for his bus..this debt, i find aide(qikai) suan! LOL..is your cousin hor! =P

initially me and bbh's purpose of meeting up is to return him his hp battery..glad to hear from him that the food is nice..im so afraid that he will dislike it..but frankly speaking, my coffeeshop here de food quite nice..im only refering to one stall only btw..the zhu chao stall..my favourite dishes there are mee goreng, sambal fried rice and ma lai feng guang..the fried bee hoon, hokkien mee and fish head soup there also not bad..as for the price, i find it worthwhile cause they offer quite a big amount..

walk home from his condo halfway, my ankle fa zhuo again..sadden..i walk home like an handicapped..cause of an incident few years back, i injured my ankle and didnt go for the doctor..cause of my that stupid dad who says apply yellow medicine push abit can already..and now here are all these side effects..arghhh..even brothers are angry with him too, for not bringing me to the doctor that time..haiz..

just now suddenly minor asthma attack again..haiz..sian away..i faster take out my inhaler..im now cooled down..hate this man..think cause i stay out in the cold too much just now in the night then like that..haiz..plus just now when reach bbh's condo, i guess i walk too much then in the end got breathing difficulty and nauseous came again..really wanna vomit..arghhh..at mac also like that..haiz..i wonder when will all these stop..my body is getting weaker and weaker..how i wish someone can take care of me, care for me and be there for me..someone i hope for..but impossible la..LOL..i think too much again..

tml morning going sp..hehe..to study..with the company of laogong..she studying in her school with her classmates..some i know de..so i go her school join her in studying lo..not lonely tml! hehe.. =P


treating someone well must really say out ma? haiz..for me, i always believe that i do sth for someone no need always say out de..if not it will be like im doing for the sake of letting the person see and know..and not doing it from the deep of my heart..but it doesnt applies on bbh..haiz..i receive a msg from him saying, "at least now, there's sth nice about you i can rmb."..im like wth! words that came out from his mouth really never stops hurting me man..frankly speaking..i dont find myself treat him as bad as he thinks of me..i admit i didnt treat him well but not that bad as he thinks ba..just that i did stuffs for him without telling him and he didnt realise them so he thinks of me so badly..why must everything say out then can? i dont find them true anymore after saying out..its like so fake already..haiz..i never encounter this kind of problems before..ive never been said this way that i treat someone that badly..maybe is again cause of me and bbh's frequency dont match again..so he always dont get me..think for him, i must really say out EVERYTHING..and i really meant EVERYTHING..haiz..

and yup..he never rmb the good stuffs that i did for him..always the bad ones..he prefers to rmb the bad side of me, instead of the good ones..and this is how he judge me..finally i realise it today..ive been so wrong to keep blaming myself for treating him really like shit..but i was wrong..i did treat him well too..just that he didnt realise and keep whining to me and in the end me myself also admit everything le..

i bought him brunch once..but its a never ever forgotten incident to me..he wants me send him breakfast very much..me tired till i cant bring myself out of bed..but in the end, i force myself out..bought the brunch and walk over to his house in HEELS..cause i got modelling training on that particular day..and cause hes kinda in a hurry to work, i walk real fast or rather run with my heels to his house..and sadly, my toes are injured..plasters on most of them and during training, colin was like "poor thing, what happen to you?"..haiz..i didnt say anything..and now my toes are full of scars..no matter how much medicine i apply, they never goes off!!! haiz..really very ugly..frustrated i am..all thanks to him that he forgot about everything that day..he was like so thankful to me that day..and i really mean THAT DAY..

i reach home already then gastric came..then i realise i didnt eat anything just now..just a burger for the entire day today..haiz..im always so forgetful..everytime buy for others liao then forgot about myself..just now only thought of buying for bbh..

buy dinner for family everytime also like that..as my eldest brother and dad are very particular with the food we buy for him so i always rmb very clearly what they all want..buy up liao then rmb i forgot to buy mine..haiz..my that brother..buy wrongly or buy food that he doesnt like even though he say anything, he will scold and beat me, say is my mistake..scold me stupid, dumb etc..haiz..as for dad, buy he dont like de, he will keep nagging and scolding non-stop..very bth de..im like you want you yourself go down buy la..buy back liao still want complain..i also not your maid..arghhh.. =(

so i just took some leftovers breakfast of my eldest brother this morning and fill my stomach..and of course with my favourite, VITASOY! hehe..since primary school till now..one or more per day without fail..unless mum no money buy..



-me missing him

♥Monday, August 20, 2007

Love this song alot alot..keep listening to it these few days..keep repeating also wont sian..love the lyrics..think cause it sings my heart out ba.. ='(

[Diddy]
Last Night
(Last Night)
I Couldn't Even Get An Answer
(Answer, Answer, Answer)
I Tried To Call
(I Tried To Call)
But My Pride Wouldn't Let Me Dial
(Dial, Dial, Dial)
And I'm Sitting Here
(Sitting Here)
With This Blank Expression
(Expression, Expression, Expression)
And The Way I Feel (Way I Feel)
I Wanna Curl Up Like A Child (Child, Child)

I Know U Can Hear Me
I Know U Can Feel Me
I Can't Live Without You
God Please Make Me Better
I Wish I Wasnt The Way I Am

[Keyshia Cole]
If I Told You Once,
I Told You Twice
You Can See It My Eyes
I'm All Cried Out
With Nothing To Say
Your Everything I Want It To Be
If You Could Only See
Your Heart Belongs To Me
I Love You So Much
I'm Hurting For Your Touch
Come And Set Me Free
Forever Yours I'll Be
Baby Won't You Come
And Take This Pain Away

[chorus]
Last Night (Last Night)
( Oh Last Night )
I Couldn't Even Get An Answer (Answer)
( Oh Baby Baby Wanna Do This To Me...Hey )
I Tried To Call (I Tried To Call)
( Alright )
But My Pride Wouldnt Let Me Dial (Dial)
( Why Wouldn't You Just Dial Me Baby...Oh )
And Im Sitting Here (Sitting Here)
With This Blank Expression (Expression)
( Don't Say Anything Baby...Oh No, Oh No )
And The Way I Feel
( Alright )
I Wanna Curl Up Like A Child (Child)
( I'm Soo Alone, I'm Soo Lonely Baby Oh )

[Diddy]
Tell Me What..
What Else To Say
To Make You Comeback
And Break Me Like That
And If It Matters
What Matters If It Don't
We Can Go Never Ever Alone
Don't Wanna Wait Til You Go
Tonight When (??????)
Just Don't Leave Me

[chorus]
Last Night (Last Night)
( ...Hey...Yeah... )
I Couldn't Even Get An Answer (Answer)
( I Couldn't Baby Baby...Yeah, Oh )
I Tried To Call (I Tried To Call)
( Call Me Baby )
But My Pride Wouldnt Let Me Dial
( Why Couldn't You Just Dial Me Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby )
And Im Sitting Here (Sitting Here)
With This Blank Expression (Expression)
( Don't Say A Thing...No )
And The Way I Feel
( Alright )
I Wanna Curl Up Like A Child
( I'm Soo Alone, I'm Soo Lonely Baby...Oh )

[Keyshia Cole]
I Need You
And You Need Me ( I Need You )
This Is So Plain To See ( Oh )
And I Would Never Let You Go
And I Will Always Love You So...I Will
If You Could Only See ( Only See )
Your Heart Belongs To Me ( Heart Belongs To Me )
I Love You So Much ( Oh )
I'm Hurting For Your Touch ( Oh )
Come And Set Me Free ( Hey )
Forever Yours I'll Be
Baby Won't You Come
And Take My Pain Away

[chorus]

[Keyshia Cole]
Why Don't You Pick Up The Phone
And Dial Up My Number
And Call Me My Baby
I'm Waiting On You
Why Don't You Pick Up The Phone
And Dial Up My Number
Just Call Me Up Baby
I'm Waiting On You


am i really that tempting to guys? i didnt do it on purpose..i really dont know..im not a flirt anymore..i admit i am in the past, i guess..but that was like long long ago..ive changed already..haiz..i dont tempt guys!

today my friend was like teasing me that our other friend seems to like me and wanna woo me..i ask him stop saying and dont scare me..cause its kinda impossible..i only treat that friend as good friend..then my friend msg me just now..he tease me again..but added on saying, "its not your fault la..you just have the cute and sweet look that every guy look at you liao, wants to protect you la..even i was tempted, thats why i so protective of you and so take care of you.." i was really god damn shock when receive that msg from my friend..i also treat my this friend as good friends only..haiz..everything seems so complicated..or maybe im the one complicating everything..

anyway i didnt agree with what my friend send me..im ugly..like a pile of shit..fat like pig..plus the "every guy"..it never applies..there are also lots of guys who hate or dislike me..especially HIM..haiz..im nothing but just a flirt in front of him..what to do? haiz..but i really didnt do it on purpose..really..

few days ago, i keep thinking to myself what actually happen to me..that ended me up staying in this state..lonely..sad..depressed..abandoned..no love..haiz..

back then, i have a strong, loving and long-lasting relationship..a relationship that i only can see my bf and no one else..the feeling is like on the streets at orchard road, although lots of people are walking about, but the only one you can see is him..thats the feelings..to the extent that i really neglected my friends..to the extent that i only want my bf in my life..to the extent that i put him as my first priority of ALL..and i really mean ALL..gave up lots of stuffs just for him..we even thought of running away together and get a life of ours, just the two of us..although that relationship has lots of problems and obstacles, but overall its a really sweet and loving one..we both truly deeply love each other..which is bee and me..our one year, two months plus relationship..

after him, i no longer can maintain such long relationships already..after him, the rest, its like i thought can last long but in the end, im being dumped by them, hurt by them, played by them, fooled by them, they go for other girls..or when one loves me alot, treats me real well but in the end we couldnt work out..haiz..really sick and tired of relationships le..or rather sick and tired of guys..ive tried to make myself hate guys, so that i can feel better..or rather play with guys back since they like playing with me so much..but i just cant do it..its not me..i love guys alot..this is me..but of course not all guys la..i mean i cant bring myself to go hate them..haiz..so here i am suffering in all these pains..now secretly in love with someone whom i cant get to see anymore but only in my dreams if i ever dreamt of him again.. ='(

and of course, me and bee wont be back together again..the feelings are gone..even though he knows me the best in this world..inside out..everything..but its the past already..and we have chosen to go our own ways..plus i also dont know whether he have changed for the better already anot..cause thats the biggest problem of him and the reason of our break-up few years back..and frankly speaking, after all my relationships up till now, bee is afterall still the one i LOVED the deepest..last time we really cant live without each other..even though stayed together for a period of time, we wont get bored with each other..we are full of activities and excitements..thats what i like..activities, outings, celebrations etc with his family..his parents treat me like a child of their own..bought shampoos etc for me when i stayed there..his house is like my second home..most of all, the happiest moment of my life is to wake up in the morning, once you open up your eyes, the very first person you see is your love one..staying at bees house is really memorable..he usually will wake up earlier than me and appear right in front of me when i wake up..always likes to look at me sleep..at times, i will do the same to him too..we are really happy couples..cant imagine that we only knew each other for 2 weeks and we stead for so long..broke up before thrice..but it never lasts more than a day..lol..still rmb we always like to kiss each other secretly while asleep even though we are awake, we will pretend asleep..hehe.. =P

me now is like a changed person..i guess i really cant enter into a relationship for the time being..or rather i learnt my lesson..that is to know a guy real well before going into a relationship..a relationship like me and bee wont work out anymore..seldom this kind of cases happen..knowing someone short and be together long..hard..unless you really so lucky, get to know a guy that really fits you well..i really hope for one in the future..one that will last like me and bee last time but this time last all the way of course..


just now was accompanying my eldest brother watch tv..happen to watch this american show, "miami ink"..they go film one famous and great tattoo shop in miami..the tattoo artists there are really great..the tattoos are even more great..the most perfect tattoos ive seen in my entire life!

initially didnt have a good impression of tattoos and people with it cause ah bengs and ah lians always go do on them..for the sake to show off..but this show is different..it shows americans getting tattoos to rmb of their love ones, what they have been through and etc..i find them real cool..this show also kinda change my opinions on tattoos already..

worse still..i feel like getting one for myself..a tattoo to remind me to stay strong..not to give up whenever i fall..3 attempts of suicides in my life, ill never forget..and also to remind myself to move on with my life, afterall ive already come so far, been through coming 18 years of hardships, tortures and sufferings..really hope for one tattoo on me..a very nice one..but mum and dad confirm kill me de..haiz..maybe in the future when im older ba..hmm.........

and it will also be real weird if i get one now cause my third brother has alot on him but hes getting them lasered away..his hands are already done..swollen..looks damn scary to me..i cant imagine how he will look like when he go laser the rest on his body..his chest..his back..omg..brrr..he say will recover de..i hope so..if not, its really gonna be real ugly..like the skins are disfigured..oh gosh!

♥Sunday, August 19, 2007

so heng..ytd night de liquor war..i manage to stay as a civilian..instead of warriors..lol.. =P didnt drink much..so never get drunk..hehe..can say lucky ba..

ytd got quite alot people..but also quite alot people didnt come..anyway got kweeleong, teckchuan, xiaoying, sujuan, raymond, siqi, ck, cilee, gary, thomas and one couple whom i dont know..was very funny ytd..haha..but i find the liquor very sucky..henessy all the way..wth..strong taste..with green tea somemore..my dislike..arghhh..

cilee and xiaoying went off first..after everything, kweeleong send sujuan and gary home..teckchuan send the rest of us over to raymond house stay over..cook maggie to eat..then sleep..wake up eat breakfast..watch tv all the way..then teckchuan send me and ck home just now..i just reach home not long..

funny thing about ytd night..the ones who shouldnt get high, in the end get high..the ones we expected that will get high, in the end didnt get high..LOL

shock to receive a msg from dennis this morning..saying that him and my laogong(chanmyat) broke off le..im like wth..why so sudden? haiz..i called him and talk to him for quite some time..luckily he seems okay to me..then i called laogong to ask what actually happen cause shes the one who initiate the break-up..long story..haiz..frustrations..afterall this is what we human beings call relationships..so many obstacles, up and downs, sadness and happiness too..all mix together..now got laogong pei me be single too le..lol..


moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody
i miss him

♥Saturday, August 18, 2007

just came back from photoshooting this morning..tired and shag..woke up at 7plus and took cab rush down to my training place..nearby katong shopping centre..east side there..long trip..

did make-up at my training place..done by make-up artist, rachel..took lots of photos of 3 different outfits..camera-man? colin..my training teacher..lol..photos taken at carpark..weird huh? haha..but the photos came out nice..hehe.. =)

plus the rainy weather..its windy..cloudy..and we manage to make use of the weather and took nice photos with it..

this is my very first photoshooting..for my very first own portfolio..anxious to see all the photos out..hopefully colin can pass me the cd by next week de training lesson..hmm........

initially no mood to take and thought of aborting the photoshoot de..cause ytd quarrelled real badly with bbh on msn..but at night suddenly i rmb that mum contributed alot for my modelling so i cant let her down..mum really hope that i can become a model..so yup..i manage to woke up myself and get myself down for the photoshoot..

colin keep asking me to learn make-up but its not as easy as he thinks..cause he say maybe during the first few weeks of september, he wanna recommend me to a photography for some photoshooting but there will be no make-up artist..haiz..so fast..september is coming..how am i gonna learn? thus is on my birthday.. -.- dots..

now at home rest a well..later buy dinner for my eldest brother..then rush down to my school de pub.."halo bar"..today is ck's birthday..will be celebrating there..singing..pool..LIQUOR! HENESSY! oh gosh! scary! heard alot from teck chuan and kwee leong..liquor war they call it..omg! i tonight confirm die..lol..somemore teck say ck want make us drunk..lol..must be aware le..lol..isnt should be the birthday boy drunk?! LOL..i shall see tonight..HEHE.. =P

heard that alot people going..my npcc seniors especially..lol..must be real crowded and exciting tonight..haha..

♥Friday, August 17, 2007

ive just design this..nice??? this is my favourite necklace..bought by myself this year..cause no bf buy for me..lol..























my midnight snack from mum tonight..YUM YUM! just brought into the room by her..lurbb her lots! muacks!



today very qiao..saw quite a few people..reach mac, saw hongsoon and his friends there studying..i forgot hongsoon stay at lakeside too de..lol..one of the condos here..then when im alone studying, saw xiao weichao come mac..me and him dont know is fate or what..everytime see him around taman de..lol..then everytime we see each other, will very shock..but dont know why he will always smile till very happy like that when see me..sot de..haha.. =P saw xiao ben, aide(qikai)'s cousin too today..on bus 98 at night..lol..msg him say him cause he didnt notice me..haha..in the end, he dont even have my no and ask me who am i..lol..but he say he will never forget anymore le..so it better be..haha..

today very late then go mac..around late afternoon like that..cause this morning 5plus AM then sleep..was helping my eldest brother change his bedsheet, apply medication on his body and etc..damn shag..

at mac, i really started studying already..but not much..cause really no mood..too much stuffs had happened to me this week..at the wrong time..this whole week is my study week..so no school..wasted..next week's exam think can prepare to fail le..haiz.. =(

night time, weichong msn me..ask me pei him go eat prata..with his one friend too..took 98 down to jurong polyclinic..then him and his friend drive a white mitsubishi lancer, if im not wrong, and come fetch me..went out to eat..then chat..and in the end at jurong superbowl play billiard..they play, not me..i dont know how to..but when see them play, got learn abit..kinda interested..wanna learn but wonder who can teach me next time..it looks kinda similar as pool to me..i want to play billiard!!!

before going home, weichong suggest of going 'diao xie'..although i wanna go very much cause never go before..but too late le..got to go home le..so too bad lo..need to skip it..sadden.. =(

HONGSOON STILL OWE ME 2 MARTELLS ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! LOL =P

[here are some snapshots of weichong playing billiard..]




































































[now his friend..]


[weichong's tattoo right leg..pai kia sia..lol..]

♥Thursday, August 16, 2007

although this song quite some time le..but i still like it very much..very nice..i like the lyrics too..its a song from 恶作剧之吻(It Started With a Kiss)..MY FAVOURITE TAIWAN DRAMA
my tears shed while watching that show can fill lots of pails..

在见到你关键的第一秒
爱的情愫开始发酵
小心翼翼写给你的纸条
幸福划上星星记号

你像一座孤傲的岛
有自己的城堡
我是上不了岸的潮
也只能将你围绕

全世界的人都知道
一厢情愿是种烦恼
只要换你一次微笑
就算是做梦也会笑

全世界的人不知道
我不在乎付出多少
我想这就是幸福写照
任何人不能阻止我对你的好

在见到你关键的第一秒
爱的情愫开始发酵
小心翼翼写给你的纸条
幸福划上星星记号

你像一座孤傲的岛
有自己的城堡
我是上不了岸的潮
也只能将你围绕

全世界的人都知道
一厢情愿是种烦恼
只要换你一次微笑
就算是做梦也会笑

全世界的人不知道
我不在乎付出多少
我想这就是幸福写照
任何人不能阻止我对你的好


went that mac again..as usual..use lappy..saw gilson and mak there again..studying..but this time along with kennard and guowei..after that saw maomao and piggy(dickson)..lol..alot people hor? haha..then piggy, gil and maomao come over pei me..hehe..crowded..lol..

today start watching the drama zhuowei want me watch..he say he watch till cry..then ask me tell him whether i got cry anot, after watching the whole thing..but i now at starting..very funny only..lol..i shall see..he really likes that drama alot..so sad yet so beautiful-he put as his personal msg in msn..hmm..must be some sad love story..anyway..if you all are bored, dont mind watching them too..im starting to like it too..hehe.. =P the chinese name is "新梁山伯与祝英台"..english is "butterfly lovers"..go crunchyroll watch, can watch till episode 13..ignore the english subtitles there..got problem de..then continue at tudou..total 41 episodes..i at the moment still at episode 3..lol..

http://www.crunchyroll.com/search?q=butterfly+lovers
http://www.tudou.com/playlist/id/1130295/#

left mac at around 7plus like ytd..same thing..went for stroll again..walk from mac to canal again..but halfway through went different route..i follow my heart walk de..afterall i spent all my years here..born here..stay here..till now..wonder why mum like here so much..when i born, in taman jurong..then boon lay way, boon lay market there..then back to taman jurong again..haiz..sianz..everytime walk, will pass by my very first house..or rather first room..cause is mum rent de room then whole family squeeze in..cant be demolish..heard cause too high le..block 65..damn old..below got a 2 storey ntuc..wonder if much people know about it anot..now still open anot, i not sure le..i guess still have ba..very long le, the ntuc..

reach canal, sat at the same place..the bench..then teckchuan called..ask me want go dragonfly anot..with kok..tonight..i rejected..cause i no mood and also still underage..he say go zouk then..but i still rejected..then we started tan xin shi on the phone for quite some time.. -teck..thanks for your listening ear..and also your words.. he say dreams are just humans' fantasies and that maybe im not suitable to be in a relationship now..etc..i guess so......

after the talk, i started my favourite again..looking at the stars..although tonight quite cloudy, but stars are still viewable..kinda happy..hehe.. ;) i took out my lappy..was shock to find out got connection there..lol..guess is from one of the terraces..hackcare, i just tag..lol..went online msn and etc..cool..if there got plug, i every night go there..haha..cause the environment is just great..feeling the night breeze, fresh air and all those stars..wow! just love that moment..how i wish someone is beside me at that moment..not anyone hor..lol..

gil was online and chatted with me..he curse me like hell sia..say later got bangla rape me and etc..scare me say they like white girls..LOL..i say they will rape him more..haha..but its true la..lots of cases happen here le..all kinds..but dou xi guan le..when young, kena followed by banglas before..till my lobby..haiz..i know but i dont really care..haha..last time always got godkorkors, exs, bf or guys send me home de..but now no more liao..lol..cause last time FLIRT too much le..now tio bao yin liao..cant meet my right one..lol..i guess HE thinks of me this way ba..HAHA =( i agreed with what bbh has said before.. must meet the RIGHT person at the RIGHT time..2 important RIGHTS!

recently kacua[cockcroach](zhengliang) keep calling me in the middle of the night..like almost every night la..aiyo..either to chat, eat supper or to go out meet him and talk all night..lol..he thought i still like last time like that..always mix with them..thon, go ktv etc..but now i never le..ytd night at block 65 got jia tok..i few days ago know le..ahpui, mingyu they all got mention to me before..ytd 2am, he call me again..ask me go down pei him..i dont want..go there also drink with them and those lao uncles whom i call la..actually they are SOMEBODY..i shall not mention..later they come beat me..lol..he persuade and persuade, in the end give up..say what 7am call me again then ask me pei him go eat breakfast..lol..siao..so early..he can cause he need look after the jia tok with the rest..but in the end, he didnt call..lucky..haha..cause im sleeping soundly like a pig..hehe.. =P

[took lots of photos in the mac toilet and here are some of them..hehe.. =P]

♥Wednesday, August 15, 2007

another dream came again..haiz..this time 2 of them..although its not the same dream, but i dreamt of the same person..HIM again..and yup..very clearly in my mind..haiz..first dream i didnt dream of him..dreamt of bbh but its related to HIM..second dream i dreamt of HIM..me and him..at a friend's house..housewarming or sth..then i look down from the window..HE hug me from behind suddenly..sounds ridiculous ya? haha..i also think so..but i really dreamt of that..haiz..now i really wonder does human beings create their own dreams unknowingly..i really wonder..cause i suspect i created all those dreams without knowing it myself..as all those dreams are becoming more and more ridiculous to me..although those dreams are sweet but i hate myself dreaming of them..they are irritating..like a ghost, keep haunting me..once i wake up from those dreams this morning, i lie on the bed, staring into thin air..dont feel like waking up..haiz..wondering if theres any solution to cure this sickness of mine..sick of dreaming all these stuffs..told mum about it..she say want bring me to psychologist..am i really mentally sick? am i? omg..i guess..i shouldnt force myself too much to forget them..the more i tell myself to get over those dreams, the more they seem addictive to me..guess i should let them be..let my feelings be the way it is..i guess sooner or later, they will fade and gone..as long as i dont see HIM, i suppose this helps..


today finally told bbh the result..of the whole matter..really hope he can take it..haiz..even if he cant, he still have to anyway..hmm..think i really shouldnt contact him too much..hes struggling..guess the more we get in contact, the more harder he find it to let go..i should also let go fully too..

today really very bad mood..down i suppose..initially at jurong superbowl mac using lappy..but around evening time, i wanted to leave mac and go for a walk around taman..and i did..but before that when leaving, my asthma attack suddenly come..haiz..at first cough, then keep coughing, then attack liao..sianz..never bring inhaler..pack up and go toilet, vomit abit and wanted to cool down, the toilet god damn smelly..so i faster leave mac liao..felt better..

walk from there to lakepoint canal..sat at the bench beside the canal and the terraces..directly in front of me is lakepoint condo..sat for an hour plus..want cry, cant cry out..dont know why..then i look at the sky but not much stars.. =( feel the night breeze and its great..also saw lots of people jogging and cycling..its exactly 37 minutes for me to walk from mac to canal..lol..without stopping for traffic..didnt look at the cars..just cross..cause im real depressed and i didnt really care much..didnt know so heng..no car accident at all..lol..im sick!

i really bth..inside very nan shou..so went home, change and went to the canal again, but to jog this time..after a few rounds, cool down, stood beside the canal..look down and tears start dripping into the canal finally..cause throughout the jog, that dream keeps bothering me..i really cant take it le..so it all came out..my heart hurts real badly too, after knowing that HE thought of me this way all along..although i know it long ago, or rather i guess it..but i didnt know i guess so accurately..supported with bbh's words, everything concludes with truth..

sat at somewhere beside the canal to rest..then happen to look over bbh's condo..once i look over, 2 faces appear in my mind..haiz..here i go again..mixed and confused feelings..then i told myself that ive already sort out my feelings and come to that decision..so i better make that decision work out..

after everything, i went home through the long way..wanna slowly walk home..passed by coffeeshop, saw ying rui..he pei me walk to my lift..plus his bullshit again..asked him if he know about the girl suicide infront of her bf on national day beside my block, he dont know but ended up saying it wont happen on US de..wth..since when im his gf..everytime anyhow talk cock..infront of my third brother also like that..luckily brother knows my cup of tea..lol..

saw gilson and mak studying at mac too..they having their 'n' prelims now..gilson come pei me awhile then not long later they go home le..but he reach home already ask me go yew tee mac use lappy and we can talk together or sth..its near for him but far for me..so i didnt go..no point..

gym with ah mei on either thursday or friday..yuppy! as usual..jurong west de new stadium..the gym there quite okay..machines quite new to me..recommended but not responsible hor..lol..


*my korkor in heaven.......please give me your blessings in whatever i do! i miss you badly.. ='( i know you love me the most..really hope that you can hear the voices of my heart..mum loves you alot, you know??? she didnt expect that to happen on you de..and she cant be help with it..
although you are gone long before im born but i can feel that you are watching over me from somewhere all this while..i hope im not mentally sick..if you didnt go, maybe our house wont be what it is now..so chaotic..anyway WO AI NI, KORKOR!!!*


[back from jogging..]

♥Tuesday, August 14, 2007

luckily saturday night is ck's birthday..i can drunk my sorrows..haiz..

even more lucky that my photoshoot is in the morning..saturday morning..at last getting my very own portfolio done..finally..and also lucky that this week no modelling training..colin postpone it to next week..my exam week..sianz..after exams, chiong for work..if possible, 2 jobs at the same time..settle all my debts..plus family ones..especially my eldest brother..stupid rule of his..he hate clumsy, stupid and blur people..i serve him everyday..hes a perfectionist..cant accept people commit small mistakes..he say scold, punish and beat me since young no use, so now come up with this rule that every single mistake i made, fine 10 bucks..initially owe him 80 already..then mum's birthday order pizza hut, i paid 40 bucks out of the total 90 bucks bill..still left 40..im really afraid staying at home..dont like to go home..the longer i stay at home, the higher possibility i shall agitate him..more fines rather? i keep saving my pocket money..people say 10 bucks per day alot le..for me, not totally for own use..now you know where it goes le ba..haiz.. =(

ytd night eldest brother say want me study hard, grow up earn money take care of him..i listen liao, really feel like crying..haiz..was like thinking..am i really gonna tolerate him for my entire life?? i rather die now then..end my misery as soon as possible..hes very demanding..how to take care? he says he want half or 3/4 of my salary in the future..then what i eat? shit? rubbish? go beg on the streets even though im working? haiz..stress with whatever brother says, you know? my o level year, is he say he want make me fail my o level and even ask me decide on which ite to go..next morning, i pack my luggage and go school..put under yvonne ong's teacher desk, she help me take care..after school, bee pei me go get my bags from her and i move to bee's house stay for 3 months..guess whoever knows us know we stay together..cause every morning his mum send us to school..teachers mostly know..my parents even supported me stay out..you can tell just how scary my brother is now..haiz.. ='(

oh ya..ytd shown my brothers the trailer i acted for jasmine, pei yuan and cassidy..cause they are from mma(mutlimedia & animation)..and their project is to do a movie trailer..so yup..i help them acted..they burn it into a cd and gave it to me..shown it to my brothers, they laugh like hell..lol..expected la..suppose to be horror one, i watch liao also keep laughing..lol..they upload to youtube..but ive got no cheek to let others know the link..cause my acting really sucks..



say it doesnt hurt, is a lie.......

my heart hurts.....



im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt! im a flirt!

how come so many people still can stand me?????????????????

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..........................

thanks guys.......for tolerating me this bitch....................


ytd night cried real badly..my tears are like an inproper-closed watertap, the water droplets keep dripping non-stop..haiz..cause of some disputes with bbh..its been months since ive cried so badly le..think the last time is around march? still rmb was during work..i hid inside cine kbox level 8 toilet and cry..cause was together with melmel and i found out he hide alot stuffs behind me and lie to me..haiz..long story..anyway its over le..hmm..did cried very badly that night..till i keep vomitting..haiz..still rmb that time kinda pai sei..come out from toilet, eyes god damn swollen, face very pale and my kbox colleagues were like consoling me etc..hmm..but this time, i cry till asthma attack..luckily my inhaler is still usable..haiz..come to think of it..i missed my annual asthma check-ups for quite a few years le..since secondary school? hmm..ever since my that dad went bankrupt ba..haiz..then mum also forgot about my check-ups already..actually every year i rmb de..just dont want to remind her only..if she will rmb, she will definitely bring me go..but i dont want to waste the money..home not much money already..the check-up takes up 60 to 80 bucks..at NUH..cause my doctor at there..since young jiu stay there le..haiz..nvm la..got inhaler, nothing should be a problem..hehe.. ;) ytd night when quarrel with bbh, i used alot of f*** words..haiz..for the first time in my entire life, i used so many times at one go..omg..also dont know whats wrong with me..guess ive really changed..like what bbh said.. =(

today nothing special..initially went jurong superbowl mac use lappy cause nowhere to go..alone somemore..haiz..then bbh off work, come find me..disputes start again..here and there, here and there..pei him go bank to do stuffs etc..and in the end, he ask me pei him go jp watch movies..and we watched two of them somemore..lol..we are real bored la..at first, he say rush hour 3 cause his friends say very funny..and it is indeed REAL FUNNY! LOL..i really laugh my ass out..haha..worth watching even though initially im not interested in that movie at all..after the movie, we went walk walk..i bought some stationeries and teacher's day present plus card for mrs yvonne ong..after that we really very bo liao and went to watch movie again..lol..this time horror one..ALONE..haha..scare the hell out of us during the first half..when at the back, its more like a thriller..lol..hmm..that show still okay..shutter is better to me..bbh say the actors are the same as shutter..i guess so ba..haha..cause i got stm..dont really rmb liao..lol..

just now at cinema, saw kaikai working there..shock sia..lol..when he saw me, he like shy shy like that..as usual..its him..haha..kaikai is my close friend in bukit view too..one that really seen my worst..haiz..drunk for the first time..at his condo bbq..kneel down beg him and etc..long long story..im just too foolish to be crazy over a sickening bastard whom i call charcoal for one year plus..totally got over him after few years..omg..*faint* haiz..kaikai knows me quite well..hes also bee's classmate in bukit view..just now i ask him serve me, he take away the 'next counter please' stand and open the counter just for me..i feel so honoured sia..lol..thanks, kaikai! i trick him just now..by asking him which drink will i want to order..he guess ice lemon tea..and he got it right! haha..he still knows me well! =) hmm..kaikai msg me say golden village still hiring, think i shall consider working there ba..after that, bbh send me to jurong sheng siong buy some stuffs and we went boon lay market eat dinner..and this dinner is really YUMMY for me..hehe..wanton mee and stingray! wow! STINGRAY! MY FAVOURITE! haha..bbh not much appetite and yup, stingray i in charge..haha..90% of it is i finish de..i feel like i had accomplished a huge mission..lol..cause its my first time finishing so much food..totally clean and cleared..haha.. =P and we went to buy bread then went home..

when im in bukit view, yvonne ong is the closest teacher to me among all, although alot teachers treat me very well..she knows the most about me and cares the most..we regard each other as close friends..haha..weird hor? i last time after school sometimes will go her office and chat with her for hours..haha..she tell her story, i tell her mine..hehe..hmm..guess shes the third person who support me move out of home for a period of time during my o level year..she understands why..i shall not elaborate..the first and second persons are bee and his mum..cause in the end, i moved to bee's house stay..haha..but of course, im with him that time..his family took care of me..plus my godparents too..sometimes went over to their house stay too..lol..i sound like begger ya? stay here and there..haha..haiz..told you..my life suck the hell out of everything..arghhh..

ytd got msg with bee awhile..we were asking each other about our well-being..hes single too..haha..we same same..want stay single..hehe..i call him at first..to ask him for my atm password..haha..weird hor? my card, i dont know password but he know..lol..his memory is usually better than mine..thats why is he always help me rmb de..furthermore the password is our resemblance..i took my new card when with him de..thats why..

suddenly i miss lion and dragon dance alot..haiz..feel like last time train so hard, then never go le, like very wasted..lion head learn starting only..'ba' only half a part i guess..dragon body jiu train familiar with 3rd and 4th zhe..chingay drums? over liao..performance done..ive contributed..afterall dragon is my favourite..i miss it alot! i miss my coaches and mates! juboon still rocks to me! but studies, family and health come first..if i go training, i will tire myself out..haiz..so i hope they all will understand..i also heard that jian yi coach never teach le..im like wth..he train dragon very well de leh..our guys is he train de leh..wonder why..think cause of his gf ba..then he want settle down..maybe? lol..

ever since that dream, disputes with bbh and etc, my feelings are really god damn confused..to the extent, now i dont even know who i actually like..how how how? omg..i know myself that i still havent got over totally with bbh..i still bothers about him, his stuffs and etc..as for him, i know very well that he still loves me alot..but to be honest, we cant work it out de..really..even we are friends, disputes are still there..what more couples? and for that person in my dream, the dream is still bothering me..what should i do? can someone tell me? haiz..really dont know who i like..bbh or HIM? bbh already know who is the HIM le..and if i put myself in his shoes, it really doesnt feel good at all when he knows that person is HIM..but i dont understand what bbh is thinking seriously..im trying real hard to get over HIM and bbh keep mentioning HIM when out with me just now..im like wth..i want forget, you keep reminding me..what is this? haiz..

bbh..just now i keep dont want let you do those stuffs is not cause im angry..is cause i dont feel good about it..all these while ever since we broke up till now, i already dont feel good le..just that i never say only..this time, today, when my feelings are really god damn confused and mixed up, i feel even more not good about it..im sorry..

charcoal is a guy i did too many foolish stuffs for him and struggle over him for years..a guy who thought hes very big deal and thinks that girls will always surround him..take me for granted..now his 'bao yin' is here le..dont want study la..o level results sucks like hell..i working, spent 100plus bucks from my salary to buy assessment books for him, go his house everyday, give him free tuitions before o level, in the end lots of excuses..ask him do homework, he copy ans..if not never do, say busy..then tell me this day not free, that day not free..sometimes go his house liao, he say he tired, want sleep..i still need keep pulling him up and beg him to study..WTH..IM SO STUPID! HES NOT MY BF ALREADY AND I DO ALL THESE! really hate myself..for being such an idiot..fool..in the past..............




















[saw those cleared food? they are all in my stomach! haha..mum will be very happy if she knows that i ate so much today.. =)]



















[i find this car quite nice..bbh parked right beside it..]

[think this card is for me! haha.. =P]











































[im feeling blue right now.. ='(]

♥Sunday, August 12, 2007

does anyone believe in love at first sight??? i think i do..cause of that person in my dream..i didnt really talk to him much before..seen him much before..usually seen him from his back..i dont really know him..but eventually i think i fell for him..at times his expressions are really cute..especially when he's acting blur..at times his reactions are like a cute kid..

haiz..dream dream dream..........................................................



或许命运的签只让我们遇见


ytd night i couldnt sleep..struggle on bed for more than an hour..cried, toss, cried, toss..that person keeps appearing on my mind..that dream keeps flashing across my mind..what should i do?? haiz.. =( the more i think, the more sadden i am..sadden that the dream wont come true..sadden that i cant let the dream come true..sadden that the dream is a mission impossible......

at times i really think of living in that dream forever..i now realize that sweet dream is really great..when you are dreaming, you dont know and its as if you are experiencing it real life..but of course when you wake up from that dream, everything is gone and you have to tell yourself that you have to face reality..depressed definitely i felt..think that dream is the sweetest one i ever had..or rather the first time i had such a sweet dream....

before sleeping, i keep telling myself not to dream of that..cause i want that dream to stay as sweet as it is and not be smashed, destroyed or affected..i dont want to continue feeling bad about that dream as i cant like that person..and finally i woke up with no dream rmbed just now..which is a good thing..i think i slept quite well, excluding the tears and tosses..






我想我是真的爱上他了
但也来不及了

这只是个梦
一个甜蜜的梦

但这个梦会永远留在我心里
他会永远留在我心里



actually its a matter of choice......to continue living in that dream and be secretly in love with HIM or to give HIM up and face reality......................honestly...i dont mind continue living in that dream and keep myself being deceived...

♥Saturday, August 11, 2007

ytd went cineleisure's suki sushi eat buffet with shawn, keng theng and kenneth after our OOAD make-up lesson..sf last minute didnt join us cause her mum cook at home le..so sad..but going with the rest is fun too..lol..but kenneth ar..aiyo..itchy hands sia..at suki sushi want play this and that..wasabi, garlic, conveyor belt.........everything also want play..make us laugh the hell out of everything..lol..the funny thing is they all eat till 2 cant move or stand up, 1 keep wanting to sleep..lol..i still very lively then keng theng say i waste money..cause we spent 20plus bucks at the buffet and he say i didnt eat till 20 bucks..lol..but honestly, i eat alot le..as compared to my normal meals..and yup..that buffet is my breakfast cum lunch cum dinner..haha..after that we very bo liao and the guys want go find seats and rest so we went up to the cinema and find seats there to rest and watch movies' trialers..then we found out that there are quite alot of nice movies coming out soon..hmm..must catch them then..hehe..

hmm..i waited for bbh to come at the same time..to watch 'the secret'..when about to go up to the theatre, i saw ezra, zhi cheng and the rest at cine too..lol..so qiao..so many of my class guys at there..haha..and ezra they all just come out from watching 'the secret' too..zhi cheng keep saying the show very nice..make me even more tempted to go watch immediately..lol..and know what? the show is REALLY VERY NICE!!! the result came out more than i expected..bbh also like the show very much too..really worth watching..

hmm..while at suki sushi, i keep going over to level 4 kbox to find my ex-colleagues..saw quite a few of them..and yup..kena caught by that captain ping pong..and he started telling me lots of lion dance thingy..the recent taka competition and etc..and that his troupe fell at the end and got injured..head bled and etc..omg..so serious sia..haiz..i didnt go cause i very long never go training le..both juboon and ngee ann..haiz.. =( then they all keep asking me go back kbox work..although im looking for jobs for this 2 months holiday too but i cant let my eldest brother know im on holiday..if not he wont let me work de..so i got to work morning shift so that he will think that im going school..but if working at cine kbox, work night shift will be better..although very tiring cause will be very busy but its very fun..more lively too..does anybody got jobs introduce to me?? hmm......................

today is one of my kbox colleagues birthday..she ask me go zouk with her tonight but i still underage..zouk very strict..dont think can get in..how how how?? but i really wanna go.. =(





















[me wearing ezra's cap in school's lift..hehe..the cap very nice hor?? i like it alot! but it is bought in hong kong.. =(]

[cutie mushroom from more than words at cine..looks like maple story's mushroom..lol..]


have you ever dream of someone that you didn't expect to dream of and wake up from the dream finding out that actually that person lives inside your heart quite some time already, just that you didn't realize only?

i did...







now i'm really very frustrated and confused..


ii really dont know how to elaborate on thiss dream ii just had..ii just woke up only..when iim having thiss dream, iim happy..but when ii wake up, ii found out thatt thiss is a ridiculous dream nn one thatt ii shouldnt dream of..to mee, itts a sin to dream of thatt..haiz.. =( really dont know what to do..itts like an impossible dream..a dream thatt when iim dreaming of that, iim very happy..ii can feel thatt iim smiling while dreaming just now..but when ii wake up, ii find itt disastrous..what should ii do??? thiss dream keeps bothering mee..cause ii can rmb very clearly of thatt dream..haiz..ii heard that if one can rmb a dream very clearly, then thatt dream wont come true..hopefully itt happens thiss way, even though if itt really happens, ii guess iill be very happy..hmm..cause iim smiling nn feel happy while dreamin of thatt..OMG! WHAT THE HELL AM II TALKING?!?! ii really dont know how to say about thiss dream..okay..thee feeling is like..if uu do thiss act, uull be very happy nn enjoy itt..but itts a forbidden act to do..thiss is the feeling iim feeling right now..ii describe thiss dream as ridiculous cause ii dreamt thatt ii like thiss guy but the fact is itts impossible for mee to like himm nn vice versa!!! ii dont really even know him..itts all in thatt god damn dream! omg.. *faint* ='(

♥Thursday, August 09, 2007

these few days..nothing much..today's mum's birthday..national day? ii dont give a f*** about itt..hmm..eldest brother gave mee money to order pizza hut home..then ii went jp to get a birthday cake nn present for mum..mum didnt know about the cake nn present thingy..nn shee was really happy when shee found out..shee keep hugging mee..hehe..ii just loves herr lots! bought a card holder wallet for herr..cause shee has alot of cards to put for work nn didnt have a proper wallet for that..so yup..shee like itt very much..shee say itt has been ages since shee got a wallet for herselff..nn iim glad ii didnt get the wrong present..hehe..as for pizza hut, actually mum didnt want itt..shee dont really like those stuffs but cause brother wants itt, shee say just go with himm..iim like who's birthday exactly itt is?! wth la..brother almost ask mee not to buy cake nn told mee shit like hee dont think mum is not very into western thingy..shit himm..hee dont want thats why hee says so..mum also likes cakes too okay?! IT'S MUM'S BIRTHDAY!!! NOT HIS! arghhh..ii almost couldnt stand itt..haiz..ii bought a very unique cake for herr just now..thiss cake really caught myy eye..itts like thiss cake gives mee a feeling that itts meant for mee to buy for mum..haha..itts durian shape cake in durian flavour..firstly, whole family loves durian, especially mum nn ii..secondly, when ii see durian, ii see mum! LOL..haha..thirdly, cause shee did told mee about herr one very childhood story that is herr friends teased herr as selling durians due to herr chinese name..haha..wow! so many reasons to make mee buy that cake for herr! haha.. =P nn yup..shee like itt very much! itt tastes nice too..hehe..but the sad thing is shee got to work today..haiz..shee just went to work..initially shee off today but not enough people so shee went to help out..haiz..if not, today will be a very nice day..cause ii actually plan of bringing herr to a japanese restaurant to try out jap food..mum has never tried it before..but too bad..no chance..think next time ba..when third kor free then hee bring mee nn mum go sakae sushi nn eat..hee still owe uss a treat! hehe..thought can bring herr go before shee go work, shee also thinks so but in the end, eldest brother want pizza so wee all stayed at home.. =( sadden..ii can tell mum not very glad but ii just hope the rest of the things ii gave herr will brighten up herr day.. =) shee likes to go out with mee, instead of staying home thiss way..anyway eldest brother just dont like uss go out enjoy nn hee ended up at home getting nothing..haiz..forget itt..just a pain in the ass..humphx..

hmm..ytd night went out with bbh till very late night..hee brought mee up mount faber..nn itts myy very first trip..iim like wow! the scenery is god damn nice la..windy too..love that place..the very top..lots of couples are there too..hmm..next time ii must ask myy new bf bring mee here le..hehe..provided hee got car..haha..if not..........ii will die of asthma attack from climbing up nn down..lol..nn that place is also a perfect place to see stars..myy favourite hobby..hehe..hmm..but last night not much stars though..haiz.. =( but from there, itt seems like iim so near to the sky, which ii feel as though iim gonna touch the sky already..lol..ii sound stupid hor? haha..but thiss is how ii feel la..initially want go clubbing ytd night but with no company so in the end went out with himm..at first wee go orchard swensens eat..then go the cathay building look out for movies but dont have the ones wee want..so wee decided to go mount faber..after that wee went west coast park nn stayed there chit chat for hours..lol..but ii did cried when there..cause home suddenly got problems..haiz..hmm..anyway just thankful to bbh for being there for mee..THANKS ALOT! =D oh ya..ii saw derick with hiss gf ii guess at the cathay cinema..lol..so qiao..but will see himm again soon de..haha..ourr outing still havent done yet..with baby nn steven too..hehe..to zoo? night safari? sentosa? johore? lol..still dont know yet but johore most likely no ba..now there so messy, chaotic nn dangerous..hmmmmm...............but ii really do miss themm sia..very long never go out le..nn really hope baby is doing fine..recently hee just discharged from hospital cause hand broken after accident..ii shock sia..hee so late then tell mee..kinda angry with himm..but afterall hee said sorry le, so yup, ii forgive himm..haha..afterall hee still got hiss girl girl to look after himm..hehe..just hope that hee rides hiss bike even more safely nn carefully now..haiz..really hope thiss doesnt happen again..ii ride hiss bike still alright leh..think cause iim on itt so hee ride kinda slowly ba..god please please bless himm nn look over himm..hees myy close close buddy aka myy baby..dont wish anything to happen to himm..

now myy 2 favourite places in singapore to go when iim down is SELETAR nn MOUNT FABER! WOOO....! glad to find another new place to chill out..hehe..go especially with the one uu love..the feeling will be there.. =)


[root beer float at swensens..so huge! lol..but its nice! hehe..]

























[me n the merlion on top of mount faber..nice hor?? hehe..]

























[aint the durian cake cute n special?? haha..its like sooo cute la! so cartoon..lol..]























[mum's birthday cake n present from me! hehe.. =P]

[present, cake n pizzas......]

♥Wednesday, August 08, 2007

回到熟悉的相爱路线
我牵着回忆站在对街
雪般坠落的从前 瞬间就冷却
隔着不回头看的时间
回忆绩雪叠成冬天
想伸手在偷留一些
原来你离我遥远
你说那冰雪是你铁了心的眼泪
明天遇见谁可以在温柔如水
关于爱情的美 当初我所赊欠
希望他都给
你说那冰雪是你的心被我剪碎
下一次爱谁再用爱慢慢缝回
丢掉旧的伤悲
让他带你飞

某夜竖起耳朵我听见
幸福带你走远
剩后悔 陪我失眠
你说那冰雪是你铁了心的眼泪
明天遇见谁可以在温柔如水
关于爱情的美 当初我所赊欠
希望他都给
你说那冰雪是你的心被我剪碎
下一次爱谁再用爱慢慢缝回
丢掉旧的伤悲
让他带你飞

♥Wednesday, August 01, 2007

okay..myy life just suck the hell out of everything! ii felt the worst today..myy love life..myy studies..myy health..myy family..ALL SUCK! ii did sth today which ii dont really want to do but ii had to make thatt decision for good..dont know why..ii felt really lonely nowadays..GOD DAMN LONELY..ii knew ii need someone there for mee..someone who really understands mee without mee telling himm much..thought could be HIMM..talked through the phone not long, disputes come rushing towards uss already..BANG! here comes ourr quarrels..nn myy headache thatt ii had for the whole day got worse than ever..in the end ii decided to end the call before ii start fainting..myy head is already spinning faster and faster..haiz.. =(

also had been feeling real sick thesee few days..enduring myy stupid severe headache for two days already..had been vomitting frequently too..but nothing out..just some freaking liquid..oh gosh..ii wonder how much longer will all thesee end..II WONDER WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEE?!?!?! feel like dying..really feel like dying..started eating panadol again just now..ii tried to control myyself at first cause ii really rely on panadol too much the past few times..like regular meals everyday? haiz..ii dont even eat myy meals regularly..but ii do for panadols..but now ii really cant take itt le..ate quite alot of themm just now..the pain in myy head is just torturing mee away..all the way..

when ii need someone, ii really dont know who ii truly need..everytime ii face problems nn troubles, ii usually dont turn to myy mum..although ii really wish to turn to herr but shees really the best mum to mee nn had been like myy close sister all along, thats why ii dont wish to tell herr myy troubles nn add on to herr burdens..for a woman to be a bread-winner due to herr failure husband, of a big family of 4 failure children is already very tough for herr..driving public bus at early morning or drive till late night, trying to do as much ot as shee can..i'm really sorry to herr..truly sorry..wanted to help by working part-time during studies, shee never agrees..ii can understand why..at times when ii manage to board herr bus to school, ii will always sit far behind herr nn look over herr..watching over myy beloved "sister cum mother" working hard for mee..pinning lots of hope on mee cause herr sons all failed to do so..haiz..

since young, ii kept most of myy stuffs to myselff..when iim sad over break-ups, beaten up by myy eldest brother, stress over studies etc, ii always hide inside the toilet nn cry softly to not let myy family know about itt..nn also all those stupid acts of minee too..luckily ii didnt hurt myselff deep nn the scar is fading already..ii also study myselff without any guidance..not proud of itt or what..just myy that freaking dad never bothers about myy life, at times dont even know what school level am ii at or how old am ii, still got the guts to come scold mee saying, "why uu go ngee ann poly study?! why not singapore poly? myy friend is a professor nn hee says that if uu graduate with a cert from ngee ann, uu go overseas find job, people wont know about urr school! if uu go singapore poly, people see liao then will know that uu are from singapore's polytechnic!" iim like what freaking shit is thiss?! ii dont give a damn about hiss that professor friend..hee should be supportive to mee..instead of listening all those shit hiss stupid friend gives..hee dont even know anything about all these nn hee still got the guts to scold mee?! although myy mum didnt help mee in myy studies too but shees always the one who tells mee, "never do well nvm, as long as uu have tried urr best, its enough already..always rmb iim there for uu..anything just approach mee" this is myy precious mum..nn here hee comes again when wee went to myy cousin's wedding dinner recently..going around several tables telling myy relatives that iim currently studying second year at ngee ann poly..iim like whats there to spread about? so what? nn ended up myy relatives start coming to ask mee this nn that nn keep looking at mee..wth..

mee nn myy dad..seldom talks..not even one word..mum ask mee try to communicate with himm..iive tried..but hee never..care about himm..ask about him..always reply with only one word or only a nod or a shake of head..forget itt then! itt takes two hands to clap, uu know?? haiz..sometimes ask himm to comment on myy outfit to find some stuff to talk about, hee never even open hiss eyes jiu nod hiss head..ii got so fed up that ii just walked away..

hmm..ii guess myy headache got back again cause myy brother beat mee again few days ago..a huge punch on myy head nn iim gone..headache till now..haiz..this is myy life..got to accept itt..beatings since young till now..violence in the house iive seen always since young..if cannot tahan already, just jump off the building..lol..or maybe wait till hee beats mee to death..haha..iim like such a sadist ya? lol..this is how ii react when iim sick nn tired of myy life..nothing seems to work out..shit mee..

hadnt been sleeping well these few days..die die..panda eyes very jia lat..this saturday is already myy portfolio's photoshooting..really dont wish to cock up..haiz.. =(

f*** off to those who read myy blog and talk bad behind mee..ii can only say "UU ALL JUST DONT UNDERSTAND MEE AT ALL!!! NOT AT ALL!!!"




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RUMIKO
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